You met Jeff in Part One of this story as he was struggling to understand and control his rage.

Hi, this is Jeff again and I have lots to share with you today.  I was thinking that I have to deal with the flashing anger towards my wife, Julia in a very serious way.  I have to treat this like addicts treat drug addiction and how alcoholics go to AA.  This no-impulse control raised voice and badgering of Julia is similar to an addiction. I am addicted to this whole rage and collapse behavior. I get stuck in its clutches and don’t observe my actions.  I am immediately confused about what I need to focus as soon as it begins its horrible spiral.

Here is a good example of what I’m talking about:

I tell Julia that I have to take my car into the shop because one of the tires is leaking air.  I leave off the car and the mechanic says it will take four hours for them to work on it.  I call and text Julia, but she doesn’t immediately respond.

I suddenly feel very despondent.  How could she not answer the phone?  Doesn’t she know that I might need a ride home?  How come she doesn’t respond to my texts?  I realize that I am feeling abandoned.  So the abandoned feeling begins as soon as I feel that Julie is not immediately meeting my needs.  I never realized how soon in the process the fear of being left alone begins.  Perhaps it is always running in the background.

The despair and worry overwhelm me. I panic. I tell myself she must be moving out (she said she wasn’t going to take my anger anymore).  I feel like I want to hide my head and cry.  I feel like a two year old who doesn’t understand why people close to him can’t read his mind and come through for him exactly the way he wants.  I don’t understand why Julia can’t anticipate what I need before I do.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t show me  love when I am badgering her; interrogating her as to why she left the chain on the door, why it was so important to her that the food was cleaned out of the sink.  WHY WHY WHY!

Meanwhile while I was so preoccupied with my sense of indignation I didn’t initially notice Julie texted me and said she would pick me up.

This abandonment stuff is cruel and hurtful.  I realize my fear of being abandoned is triggered from the beginning of the process, not in the middle as previously believed.  At those moments I feel that since Julia committed an offense (taking too long on the computer, leaving shoes on the floor, not staying “on topic”).  I feel that she is now drifting away and I need to stop her by yelling and badgering her.  I am terrified when this drifting away feeling comes up but, I am unaware of what is going on.  In my distorted mind, I think if wear her down, she will agree that she was totally wrong here and should have done a better job.  Most of all my intention is for her not to leave me all alone.

I know that my demands here are all worse than ridiculous.  I act like a two year old and I wonder what happened to me when I was two because I seem emotionally stuck at this developmental stage when triggered.

I demand to be loved, held and understood although having a temper tantrum will never bring me those results.  Maybe it brings a mother to comfort her two year old.  Maybe I didn’t get that.  How in the hell am I supposed to know if I got that or not?  I was two- many decades ago.  Who remembers what happened to them when they were a toddler?

After a long day of totally giving of myself to my students and their families, I am exhausted and the hole in my heart has grown bigger.  I need to feel loved, but don’t know how to ask for it.  I do demand it in this highly destructive, dysfunctional way.  I act like I am owed this gift of love when I am obviously not owed anything. I am ashamed to speak of how devastated I am each day from work.  I hears fathers rationalize bulling of their kids.  I hear mothers cry out of feeling powerless and worthless.  I hear the silence of the children.  I have lost the ability to filter any of this out.  I feel like I am bleeding all the time; a wound that refuses to heal. I feel that I should be a man and suck it up.  That means never complain or show emotion other than anger.

Instead of asking for a hug from Julie, I look for something to pick at her about.  I don’t use self-talk to calm or distract myself.  I go straight for her emotional jugular.

I can’t understand why I would create a situation where Julie will leave me for good while I am so afraid of being abandoned.  I set myself up to fail.  Once this flash of anger begins, I have no awareness of what is transpiring besides that I am not getting what I want.  Once this cycle winds towards the end, I am apologetic and have plenty of insight as to why I acted so outrageously. However, as I said before, I haven’t used this insight to change.

I have noticed that I am more self-aware and can catch myself before I fly into flash mode, but the moment I put the self-awareness on auto-pilot(ignore or deny its existence),  the over the top rage will rise up. I really need to learn what is underneath all this abandonment stuff.

The cycle is:  1. I am exhausted and emotionally beat up as I leave work. 2.  I am unaware of how deeply demoralized I am.  3.  I drive home and recognize my impatience with other drivers. 4. I come home and something immediately Julie says or does upsets me.  5. I say, “You did what?  How could you?”  The how could you is asked many different ways in a very aggressive way.  Julie doesn’t have an answer because there is no answer because the question was totally absurd to begin with.  6.  Julie refuses to discuss any further and puts on her clothes intending to leave. 7.  I feel filled with despair and self-hatred and say, “I’m just no good, I should probably leave, I feel like killing myself (I am feeling very angry at myself and depressed at this moment, but not suicidal.)  I say that because I am so fearful of her leaving I would say anything to prevent her from walking out the door.  8.  I cry and apologize.  9. She forgives me.  10. I talk all this stuff about how much insight I have gained from all this only to repeat it all again next week or next month.

I need to treat my fear of abandonment as a lifelong problem.  I need to treat this seriously as a drug addict in genuine recovery.  I need to think about it throughout the day and if painful feelings and memories come up; I need to stay with them and see where they take me.

I feel so guilty and feel powerless over my feelings of loss, but have plenty of power to change how I deal with it.

My parents have both died, the world abandoned my people, hell I almost lost my own life, but that would pale in comparison to losing you, Julia.

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