There are dads and moms who hover over children in dysfunctional ways. Today I will be focusing on helicopter moms.

The characteristics of a helicopter mom are: choosing  activities and friends for their children; making  schedules for their kids without child input;  not  allowing their children to do anything on their own; not allowing children to walk anywhere without adult presence; becoming very anxious when their children are the least bit distraught or put out;  not allowing for the natural consequences of poor grades; only allowing their kids to participate in scheduled activities such as sports, music or academic enrichment; forbidding spontaneous play without adult supervision;  possessing the belief system that the potential for the kidnapping of her child by strangers is extremely high even though the opposite is actually true; often walks the tightrope of wanting to give into her child’s immediate gratification needs versus the homework that needs to get done that evening;  the micromanagement of her child’s homework and over involvement in her child’s school life.

This all sounds horrible, right? Imagine how anxious this makes the child.  Imagine how overwhelming it is for moms to keep up this obliteration of their child’s personal boundaries.  What are the forces at work that create helicopter moms?  Helicopter moms are driven to overly manage their children’s lives for the following reasons:  The belief that children need to be accepted into only the best colleges to succeed is at an old time high and the competition for these coveted slots is unbelievably intense; the cost of going to college is no longer affordable for many families so children not only have to have a 4.5 grade point average, they  need to include many extracurricular activities on college applications in order to secure scholarships; cable television gives the impression that children are always at risk for death, destruction or kidnapping when there are no statistics to back that up; the only way to socialize with other children is through organized activities-children on the most part don’t play outside with friends anymore(many children don’t socialize with other kids outside of school);  the definition of success seems to have deleted children’s independence and happiness; the belief that mom is measured by her peers to be inadequate if her child is less than “perfect”; The definition of perfect by the helicopter nation is:  straight A’s, popular with many friends, outstanding athletic performer and plays several musical instrument.  This over reaching into children’s lives hinders their sense of self and decreases their confidence.

The path to changing this dysfunctional paradigm starts and ends with all of us. We can reach out to helicopter moms and empathize with their plight.   The lack of community support, understanding and human connection may contribute to the helicopter parent syndrome.  The culture of fear leads parents to be reactive rather than proactive here.  How do you know when your child is successful?  How do we help kids take ownership for their lives if we control every aspect of their waking moments?   How do you help children become independent and a critical thinkers who question what they see/hear?  How do we change this lack of down time for kids and allow for them to just hang out with each other-face to face-not through electronic devices?

Parents can reach out to other parents and begin to discuss the downside of the overprotective lifestyle that is now seen as the norm. Parents can speak out about how the schools and other community institutions need to support children’s independence.  Parents can decide to help children structure their own time instead of doing it for them.  Parents can insist that their children contact other children to meet up instead of arranging these meetings.  Parents can encourage children to take public transportation and walk around town without an adult present.  Parents can inspire their kids to take risks outside their comfort zones.  Parents can also urge their children to play outside with their friends in activities the kids set up for themselves. Parents can allow their children to struggle and utilize their own resources when internal or external conflict emerges.

The first step towards change is a helicopter mom having the courage to admit that micromanaging children is not healthy for children and families. This will take extreme bravery because it speaks out against a methodology that has been ingrained in society for over twenty years.  We need to praise and lend our support to the women who dare to take such action.   Speaking out can initiate a local movement that can propel a national one.

Please check out my latest book here  Letting go of Grief: Move your Body to Rock and Soul