I am a psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area and have been working with grief and loss issues for over thirty years.  During that time, I have worked with groups and individuals facing death and dying experiences.

My clients shared what they feel are the worst and best things people have said to them while they are grieving.

Here they are-

Worst:

He’s in a better place now.

This is a hurtful comment to anyone who wants their loved one to be in only one place: Alive and next to her.  This is not a supportive, compassionate message.  It comes off as callous and a place of distorted wisdom.

It was God’s will.

  The grieving person wonders why is it God’s will for his loved one to die?  Why has God chosen him to disappear forever? Whatever convoluted logic this edict comes from doesn’t make any kind of sense whatsoever.

Don’t cry, she would have wanted you to be strong.

First, how in the hell do you know what she would have wanted?  Did she leave a post it for you on your refrigerator while she was taking her last breath?  Why would you think not crying is an action to take pride in?  Crying is important to release the pain and helps make one aware of what they have lost.  The unwillingness or inability to cry causes emotional numbness and hinders the grieving process.

I know you have been sad because of the death of a loved one, but now it is time to move on.

Time to move on for who?  For you because you are uncomfortable with your friend’s emotional upheaval?  Grief evolves.  There is not a beginning, middle and end.  The only way there is an end is if you are overcome with amnesia and have no memory of the deceased loved one. If you have memories of her, you will sad from time to time.

You should take a week off work to take care of your grief. You should be ok then.

Who made the determination that grief would suddenly end when you went back to work or it was supposed to vanish when you returned to your job?  This is another grief myth that should be discarded immediately.

What stage of grief are you in?   Are you in denial or anger?  When do you think acceptance will be reached?

There is no research to support that there are actual stages of grief that you enter, complete and then move on to another until you reach acceptance.  This is more nonsense designed to cause you to feel that you aren’t grieving correctly.  Grief is not linear or logical.  It just is.

Say nothing at all because you don’t know what to say to the grieving person or this death caused you to be terrified of your own mortality.

 Some friends or acquaintances will avoid the person in grief because they are unsure of what to say or do.  This is not unusual, and I suggest you seek out a therapist who specializes in grief to work out whatever issues you have here.

Best:

Feel free to call me day or night whenever you want to talk (and really mean it by checking in with him regularly.)

Please feel free to call me if you need anything.  Then explain what anything means.  It could mean childcare for her kids or preparing meals or just being present while she cries.

Ask her if it is ok to talk about the loved one who died.  Don’t assume that she does or doesn’t want to talk about him.

Let him know that you believe that people grieve in different ways; that you are ok with him where he is and will be there for him.

Let her know that you support her faith in religion, God, spirits or love. You embrace her faith in facing loss and emotional pain.

Please feel free to add your own worst and best comments to say to a grieving person.  Thanks!