What does Connecting mean?

Connecting means interacting on a level that is pleasing for both parties. It leads to understanding and clarity through discussion. It requires a willingness to step inside the world of your child; another description of this action is called empathy. Sometimes conflictual topics are discussed when you are connecting. Hopefully resolution can be found through a give and take of ideas.

Why do parents have difficulty connecting with their kids?

Parents and children are too busy and don’t have time to hang out together. Parents are expected to work long hours and be available for work twenty-four hours a day. They are not allowed to carve out time for their own needs or family. They are expected to be on call even on weekends and vacations.

The anxiety experienced by children and parents around the need for kids to attend a top university is overwhelming. College costs keep going up and the competition for Stanford, Harvard, Yale, etc. is steep and intense. Children and adolescents spend after school time playing sports, band and other extracurricular activities to get ahead. Tutors are no long just for those students who are doing poorly. They are hired for those with 4.0 grade point averages so they can improve to 4.5 grade point students.

All this pressure and anxiety creating these scenarios don’t bring happiness, only more dread and worry. This lifestyle makes it impossible for kids and parents to successfully connect.

Parents may have not been taught by their parents how to connect with others. Parents may have experienced physical, emotional and or sexual abuse which they have become traumatized by.

These traumas may cause them to become triggered when trying to connect with their kids. They may become angry if their kids say they don’t understand them. The anger may come from a place of feeling incompetent in parent/child relationships.

Why is it important for parents to connect with their kids?

Children feel like they don’t matter, feel invisible and may have low self-esteem if their parents don’t connect with them. The kids may equate the lack of connection with the withholding of love. If they don’t feel loved by their parents, it may be difficult for them to love themselves. Connecting with children to teach them life lessons about friendship, integrity, how to deal with rollercoaster emotions and relationships are a few of the topics you can discuss with them.

If parents don’t connect with their children, their kids may not learn to connect with others. This may lead to feelings of emptiness, confusion and disillusionment.

Connecting is different from lecturing. Lecturing is talking endlessly to your child and either hoping she is listening to you or assuming that your words are so essential that she wouldn’t think of tuning you out. Most likely she has learned to appear that she is paying attention by nodding her head up and down every five minutes, but most likely she has tuned you out a while ago.

Adults often lecture children because their parents lectured them. Lectures are not effective communication. Establishing a give and take exchange with children can bring a sense of togetherness that endless pontificating will never bring.

How can parents tell they are not connecting with their kids?

If you notice your child’s eyes glaze over, you probably are not connecting with them. If they respond with grunts or indifference, they probably are not paying attention. The lack of connecting and adolescent behavior can be difficult to separate.

Agreeing with everything you say may be their strategy to end the conversation as soon as possible so they can get back to their favorite video game, social media site or texting with friends.

What can parents do to connect with their kids?

You can ask them what they are interested in. If you are not interested in what he is, read about the subject and talk to them about it.

Imagine looking into your child’s eyes. What do you see? Do you see someone who is curious about learning? Someone who is driven to have new experiences? Does she have a special talent? Does she know what occupation she wants to peruse? Does she have leadership qualities? Is she shy because she lacks confidence or is it because she lacks the experience of stepping out? Is she good with her hands? Does she love music? What kind?

In other words, get to know your child through their eyes instead of your own. Do they like the class you signed them up for or are they going simply to please you?

If you notice that they are withdrawn, sad or agitated, let her know that you notice her distress and ask if she would like to talk about her feelings. Share how you have had similar feelings as a child and as an adult. Let her know how you have dealt with adversity. Let her know you are there for her and have her back. Her smile will be your reward.