Acceptance is a loaded term in American society.  Many suffer from what I call the closing credits syndrome. This happens when people think that any problem they experience should cease like the ending of the movie they are watching.  They believe their problems should vanish as the rolling of the credits begins.

We are taught that all life events should have a beginning, middle and end. The end must be triumphant and have a sense of completion.  This is rarely experienced in actual life.  Dealing with trauma and loss is a much more complicated journey than that narrative. 

Working through trauma takes time no matter how old you are.  It takes time to get through the initial feelings of numbness, heartbreak and or confusion.

This trauma could be a death of a loved one, an intense breakup with a partner, a job loss, a health crisis, a natural disaster, or other life altering experience.

Somehow, we are ingrained with the notion that acceptance is supposed to be a wave of powerful sunshine, heat and flowers that will forever take us beyond the upheaval, intense sadness, and confusion of the painful memory.

The process of being immersed in spinning the events of the trauma in your heart, mind and soul is normal.  It takes work and time to reach a point where you are ready to put the trauma to rest.

It cannot be rushed nor is there a short cut to peace.  This should be taught as early as elementary schools and continue throughout life.

Shortly after the trauma, we are numb, confused and lost.  We may have intense feeling of rage or sadness.  We may not feel much of anything.

The amygdala part of your brain is highly active during recovery from trauma.  The fight or fight response can be triggered at any moment.  If an event or conversational exchange reminds you of the traumatic episode, you may feel the desire to run away or take action.  

If you are being reminded of a recent domestic violence experience by comments made by a co-worker, you may feel like running out of the office or wanting to protect your co-worker from her abuser.  You may offer helpful advice, or your anxiety may cause her to back away from you.

In either case, you may worry about her the rest of the day and have memories of you being beaten by your former partner.

Therapy can help heal trauma and emotional pain, but don’t expect the work to be easy, linear or resolved quickly.  It will most likely be a rollercoaster ride.

One day you may reach the point where you realize that there is nothing more to uncover when facing painful memories.  In other words, there is nothing to be gained by spinning the same memories around.  You have faced the shame, guilt, loss, what could have beens many times.

It is possible to reach a point where the traumatic memory is triggered, and you tell yourself that it is ok not to examine it for the millionth time. You can say “It is time to put this memory to rest.  I do not need to spin it anymore.  I am at peace with this knowledge.  I can say goodbye to this memory.  I realize I have a choice whether to dwell on this memory or not.  I am choosing not to and I will peacefully place this memory in my heart and I will move on……”

My father died in 1966, when I was fifteen years old.  “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” by Jimmy Ruffin was a song I heard on the radio then.  I must have listened to that song hundreds of times over the years.  One day while I was running and listening to this song, I noticed the angst I felt.  I wondered why I felt so anxious.  Suddenly it dawned on me that I was expecting a different outcome each time I heard this song.  I was somehow hoping that my dad would return to earth and walk through the door.  I faced the fact that he was not ever going to return because he was dead.  I could now place the memory of my dad in my heart and accept that there was no more information to be gleaned from listening to “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted.”  I still listen to this song now and then but have no expectations at all.

Finding acceptance does not mean you will not be sad on the anniversary of your mother’s death or won’t feel angry at times towards a lover that suddenly left you.  The main difference is that you will not continue spinning the memory around hoping for a different outcome. The memory will have a resting place.