Have you ever wanted to deal with your emotional pain in a different way besides reliving traumatic memories?
Have you ever heard the words “You need to forgive” and have no idea of what these words mean or what their purpose is?
Have you ever felt that intellectually and emotionally reviewing loss in your life no longer serves any purpose, but you don’t know where to go from here?
Hi I’m Bob Livingstone. I’m a therapist, author, and musician. I have been writing the Healing Emotional Pain FaceBook Blog for over ten years. I have written about grief and loss extensively. Today I am going to write about these issues in a different way. Please join my journey here.
Some of my traumatic memories are: My father’s sudden death when I was fifteen. Developing a gag reflex from a disturbing appointment with a sadistic orthodontist. Told I was too stupid to attend college by teachers and school staff. Almost dying when the electrical system in my heart stopped at age 58.
All these events created the following: Lack of confidence and low self-esteem, endless triggering when I felt danger of being hurt or left alone, feeling agitated, difficulty sleeping, sabotaging close relationships, bouts of anxiety and depression, an endless search for relief, drug abuse in teenage and young adult years. Poor academic performance.
I have felt the freedom to delve into all these emotional pain episodes and have had the following experiences:
- The hope that I will find new insights and solutions to my traumas. The desire to discover how these traumas affect me.
- Sometimes this goal is met, and other times emptiness is at the end of the line. I wonder if it is worth the price of total exhaustion to go through this searing process.
- It is a familiar feeling and a seductive one with hope there will be a different outcome or somehow the trauma will be totally undone.
- It provides self-righteous energy and connects the dots. It keeps me warm in the victim-hood blanket.
- It allows me to connect with other survivors of abuse and empathize with their traumas.
Moving forward-I must change this pattern of being triggered and sinking into self-loathing. I can do this by refuting negative self-thoughts and interjecting positive things about myself. I must do this before the trigger kicks in the adrenaline. This intense adrenaline flow signals my amygdala that danger is present. I must be aware that the adrenaline is about to flow and interrupt it with deep breathing, healthy distraction and positive thoughts. I can also run, write, play the guitar or drums.
It is time to honor my traumas now.
I am sitting quietly in the cafe writing this. I see lots of folks of different ethnicities walking down Ocean Avenue on this cloudy, foggy day.
I say to myself, “I am looking inside and can see all the traumas that happened to me. They are separate events, but they funnel into one huge hurt. I take a deep breath and I feel the tears welling up. I am not afraid of the pain any longer. You cannot hurt me. I have proven to the world and most of all, myself that I am not my pain. My pain is part of what has shaped me. I stand on the threshold of the turmoil, as I imagine warm ocean waves washing over my body and soul. I suffered greatly from these traumas and worst of all, I felt so all alone. I never want to feel so lonely again. I want to be there for others who are in pain. I want to be there for myself so I can be effective in teaching others to do be there for themselves. I forgive myself for going through these traumas without having any tools to deal with them. I forgive myself for not being perfect and being flawed. I forgive myself for being anxious and lost all these years. I am sad and crying, but the difference from the old way is serenity. I feel I can hold all of this calmly and in a loving way.”
I will always be a seeker of truth and will encounter obstacles along the way. Honoring what happened is not a one stop remedy. I will continue this process and be so grateful for the love of my life, Gail Meadows.