Have you ever been addicted to a person?  What is it like?  How you do recover from this addiction?

The addiction to a person can be every bit as consuming and troubling as an addiction to a substance.

The symptoms are: 1. Making his needs a priority instead of your own.  Paying for his rent when you are about to be evicted for not paying yours is an example of this.  2.  Compartmentalizing the addiction.  One moment you are yelling at him for not following through on his job interviews and the next second you are driving your friend to his alcoholic girlfriend’s house.  The connection between the knowledge that you are addicted to him and the act of driving him to her house is non-existent. 3.  Your willingness to make him a “project” where you devote all your energy.  Consequently, you don’t move on with your own life and don’t deal with your own issues that are keeping you from discovering your dreams. Focusing on his life and not yours is an excuse to avoid your own obstacles.   4.  The hope and faith that he will soon get better and make something of his life without any signs to support that faith.  Sometimes blind faith is dysfunctional.  5.  The deep feeling that may not be in your conscious awareness- that if you can save him; all the pain and loss in your life will be lifted.  They will then throw a parade down the Main Street of your town to honor your curative powers and recognize your goodness.  I am not being sarcastic here or demeaning.  Some of us have been hurt so badly that we need the vision of this fantasy to keep on going.

The causes of being addicted to a person are vast and complex. I will discuss these causes briefly here knowing these causes deserve much more in depth examination.   The examples I list below are far from complete in terms of causes and explanations.

Women are expected to be caretakers and be selfless.  Woman who are seen as looking after their own careers and health are seen as selfish by our society. Some women have the sexist mindset of men and internalized sexism of other women to deal with.

Black women have a history of coming up from slavery to deal with.  They were forced to be caretakers, raped by their owners, considered property and not human.  They were constantly humiliated.    Putting other’s needs first was a survival strategy.  Black women must deal with the stereotype that they are stronger than strong.  This is another element that contributes to becoming addicted to others.  Being strong here means taking care of everyone else and never asking for help.

Men who have been abused by their parents are also prone to become addicted to others.  If they were constantly yelled at or beaten by their parents and their emotional needs were not addressed, this may be a gateway to being fixated on someone else.   This is enhanced when parents teach children that they only find safety when they address their parents needs.  For example:  If a mother is having relationship problems with her husband and asks her ten year old son for advice, he is going to learn that taking care of others is his main purpose. He will also learn that this is his only way to create safety for himself.

How to recover from this addiction:

Attend CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous Groups) and/or ACA(Adult Children of Alcoholic Groups if relevant).  Work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about this issue and be prepared to be in therapy a considerable amount of time.  Being addicted to others is intense will and may trigger issues around self-esteem, confidence, feelings of abandonment, feelings of being unloved, self-sabotage and trauma.

Become aware that you are addicted to someone else.  If you have any of the symptoms listed in the first paragraph, you are probably addicted to another.  Once you are aware, try to establish a plan of how you will deal with the person you are addicted to.  It also gets confusing when you learn that you can love and be addicted to someone at the same time.  Can you maintain a relationship with him as you try to figure this all out?  You probably cannot but will end up doing so any how because cutting off the relationship seems wrong to you.  If may seem unfair or unjust.  You may want to give him another chance.  Work closely with you therapist and support groups around this.  It is not easy to know how to deal with being addicted to a person.  Be patient with yourself.

You may find that the only way to recover from this person is to totally disengage with him.  You may have to give him an ultimatum such as,” If you don’t get a job in a month, I am moving out.  I’m tired of working all day while you are home playing on your computer.”

The overall goal of this work is to discover FREEDOM.

I look forward to having a dialogue with you about this important issue.

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