A boundary is a line between you and others. When that line is well defined, healthy relationships are possible. When that line has broken parts to it or is blurry, relationships are not functional. They are filled with drama, stress, unrealistic expectations and emotional and financial over-giving.

Example of well-defined boundaries: In a primary relationship, household chores are divided, and financial goals are adhered to. If one partner has a problem with any of this, she will bring it to her partner’s attention and discuss it until the problem is resolved.

In the same scenarios with unclear boundaries: No discussion has taken place regarding financial goals or household chores. Resentment builds between the couple and it is acted out in passive aggressive displays such as not washing the dishes even though she promised to do so or turning on the music very loudly knowing your partner hates loud noise.

Example of well-defined boundaries: An adult child of a single mother continues to abuse drugs after repeated interventions by several family members and friends. The mom tells her adult son that he must leave the house; that he can no longer live with her because he refuses to go into recovery. He tries to guilt trip her, give her the silent treatment, rages at her, but none of these tactics work. She knows that throwing him out may lead to his death but allowing him to not be accountable for his life is no longer acceptable to her. She has family and friend support. She is a regular member of Al-Anon.

In the same scenario with unclear boundaries: Mom will provide not only shelter but financial support to her adult son. He will treat her cruelly, but she will allow him to disrespect her. When asked by a close friend of why she continues to do this, she says that she is afraid that he will end up on the street or dead if she doesn’t take care of him. This is what is known as enabling.

What are the reasons for the inability to set clear boundaries: Your parents were inconsistent with setting limits with you. One some days it was ok to watch tv for an unlimited time. On other days, you would get spanked for watching too much tv. Your parents never established clear rules about television watching. This inconsistency and abrupt punishment became normal to you. Therefore, you never learned the concept of boundary setting. You learned that chaos was normal and that being on edge all the time was a reality not to question.

One of your parents continually created situations where you parented your father instead of the other way around. He may have made it a habit to crying on your shoulder when he had a dispute with your mom. He wanted you to be understanding and comforting to him, but he was never there for you.

This experience taught you not to have any expectations from family, friends or lovers and that your main purpose in life was to take care of others emotional needs and ignore your own.

The examples of setting or not setting boundaries has a profound effect on children. The lack of boundaries causes folks to feel unsafe, anxious, depressed and suffer from low-self-esteem. Feeling not deserving of happiness and fear of reaching out to others for help are also symptoms of this problem.

How do you learn to become a boundary setter?

Admitting to yourself that this is an issue is the first step.

Recognizing when you have a choice to set a healthy boundary or not is being self-aware.

For example you are aware of the moment when your friend is sharing the same problems that he has talked about for years with you. You recognize that he never asks you about your struggles as well as never really dealing with his own. Instead of patiently listening, you say, “Friend, I have heard this same story line from you for years. I give you the same advice, but you never try to do anything to improve the situation. By the way, you never ask me how I am doing. I never tell you because I assume that you’re not interested in hearing my troubles. I am tired of this and don’t want to do it anymore.

Attend Al-Anon meetings to deal with co-dependence issues.

Go to therapy to work on the origins of your difficulty setting boundaries. Your understanding will lead to the willingness and ability to set limits with yourself and others.