The words come through the self-help airwaves and from the world of social media: You must learn to love yourself to feel good about who you are. You hear these words and immediately feel like a failure. You don’t believe that you love yourself.

You imagine that those who truly love themselves smile all the time because they have discovered ultimate peace and self-actualization (whatever that means). People who love themselves never worry or become agitated because they have managed to reach a perfect state.

You are immersed in shame because you believe you lack the capacity for total self-love. This is all an inaccurate belief system that comes from a country that instills black and white thinking; you either love or hate yourself. You must love yourself full-time to achieve this perfection and of course this is impossible.

Take a couple of deep breaths and focus on releasing the belief that you can never love yourself and therefore never fully enjoy life or love others. This is a total falsehood.

You can love yourself and probably do so every day, but are unaware of this process.

Ways you love yourself:

Exercise daily.

Lay in the grass and let the sun shine on your face.

Eat a healthy meal without rushing.

Help someone in need.

Tell yourself that you are proud to have worked through adversity.

Cry about a dying friend.

Play a musical instrument.

Sing.

Listen to a song that brings you joy.

Rejoice in figuring out how you can accomplish a personal or professional goal.

All the above actions allow for the distraction of beating up on yourself. Many believe that admonishing oneself is a major component for healing. This is simply not accurate. Drowning in shame is not working through emotional pain. It is an act of being stuck in self-hatred.

Therapy will help uncover the reasons for dwelling on shame. You can also decide that you are not going down this self-destructive road anymore. You will choose to focus on one of the activities above when shame enters your door. This demonstrates that you truly love yourself.

Loving yourself has nothing to do with living in total bliss. Living in total bliss is impossible and would soon become boring if it was attainable.

Life is always marching forward whether you want it to or not. Loving yourself is important because it builds confidence that you can reach your goals and face any problem that comes your way. Sometimes you will be angry and agitated. Other times you will feel sad and disillusioned. When you give permission for the miserable feelings to dominate, they become familiar like an old friend who you know well but are thankful when he leaves.

Just because he or she is familiar doesn’t mean he or she is healthy for you. You have the capability of making a choice if you want to move on from the familiar misery or not. I suggest you chose to move on and discover that happiness is within reach. You will have more time to bask in the glow of self-love.

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