You have been in a close relationship with a lover or friend for a long time. Extreme effort is put forth trying to improve communication and mutual understanding. Sometimes he seems to get it, if only for a moment. Guilt overwhelms and confuses you. You try so hard to connect with his sense of decency. Now you are wondering if he has any decency in his being.

He continues to be hostile and forgets the previous exhausting conversation. You begin to feel like an emotionally abused and neglected person. Whenever anything goes askew in the relationship, he blames you. He never takes responsibility.

You are very confused because at times he appears to be friendly and helpful. The next day, he either gives you the silent treatment or shares his sense of victimhood. You start out the conversation in an authentic manner in an effort to share an experience of how he has hurt you. He always seems to turn the conversation around and blame you for whatever the issue is.

You wake up one morning with an epiphany. You are not going to change him no matter what you do. You wonder if you are being seduced by the adrenaline rush of thinking, “I can be the one to show that him the error of his ways. Once I get through to him, he will be ever grateful.” You look deeper inside, and you realize that devoting yourself to saving others brings the hope that the world will recognize your worth. You will then experience the glory of life, the respect of others and the washing away of all your emotional pain. You understand that for some reason you have learned that “saving “others is a driving force inside.

You do care about him; after all you have spent several years in this relationship. You are beginning to understand that you have his back, but he doesn’t have yours. He has proved this repeatedly. He insults you and laughs in your face. He thinks your dreams to make a difference in the world are a joke,

You have reached the point where ending the relationship is necessary for your wellbeing and personal growth.

What steps do you need to take:

• When you find yourself coming up with a new scheme of how to get through to him-STOP! Remember that this is not only a waste of time, it is the expression of an unhealthy part of yourself. Some call this need to save others enabling or codependency.

• Tell him that you have decided to end the relationship. If it feels safe and necessary, do it in person. If not leave a voice mail or email. Tell him that you cannot have any type of relationship with him; not lovers or friends. This is because there is danger you will resume your pattern if you have any contact with him.

• If you see him in public and he smiles at you or ignores you, treat his expressions all the same. His reactions mean nothing, and you should treat them as such.

• When you begin to think about him, tell yourself to stop and think about how you can make your dreams come true.

• Go to therapy to understand why you have engaged in this “saving” manner. It may be because you witnessed one of your parents following this dysfunctional pattern. You may have been encouraged to take care of your parent’s emotional needs instead of them taking care of yours.

• Learn not to care about him any longer. Learn to distance yourself from him by disengaging from any thoughts about him. Tell yourself that not caring about him is the main step of moving on and letting go; that learning not to care is an act of liberation; not meanness or a source of evil.

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