The message that is shouted out to us from a very young age is that “you need to get over it”. This directive means that you aren’t to dwell on any loss more than a couple of days. You are supposed to move on with your life (whatever that means) and not “dwell” on sad thoughts and feelings.

We hear these false narratives: When one of your loved one’s dies, a couple days off work or school is all you need to return to regular life. Crying is ok at funerals and a few days after that, but you better buck up soon because no one is going to join your pity party.

We are expected to not only get over the loss, we are expected to do so faster than the speed of light. The pain of trauma is something we are supposed to avoid. We are taught that sad and angry feelings are to be expelled from our hearts; that these thoughts and feelings are evil and will only weigh us down. Any discussion about the loss only brings up a state of being upset. Those feelings will only bring you and those around you down. So, it is best not to even glance at painful memories.

This erroneous belief system is created by societies throughout the world. The rulers of these societies want to keep the work force working and the populace free from examining their inner worlds. An insight free populace is also an ignorant one. Ignorance is not bliss, it keeps us uniformed of what is really going on.

The myth that we get over loss creates mental health issues. When we feel that we are not working through the so-called steps of healing grief fast enough, we suffer from low self-esteem. We suffer from increased anxiety because we fear we are not grieving correctly if we aren’t seamlessly walking through denial to anger. We also suffer from depression when the world is telling us one thing about our loss (Get Over It Now!) and we are feeling the opposite (I miss her so much, I cry every night).

I am a therapist who has been in private practice for thirty years dealing with grief and loss issues. I want to tell you that grief is not a straight ahead, linear, methodical process. It is more like a roller coaster ride that goes on for an infinite period. It is not like the ending of a movie where all conflicts are resolved, and the curtains close as the credits role.

I also see the trend where physician prescribe anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication to patients who are mourning the loss of loved one. These patients aren’t clinically depressed or anxious in my opinion, they are grieving which is a normal process; not one to be medicated for.

The only way you can “get over” loss is to get amnesia or die. My guess is that you don’t want to do either. If you have any memory about your loved one or a traumatic event, you can be triggered to feel sad, angry, frightened and other feelings. It is normal long after a loss has occurred to be triggered by anniversary dates of the death of your loved one. Therefore, “getting over” loss is not actually possible.

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We can grieve our losses, learn to find peace with the memories and the feelings that come up by:

• Finding words to say to yourself when these intense memories and feelings come up. Examples of this are- “My mother just died last week. Of course, I am overwhelmed with her loss”. “That happened long ago, I’m a stronger person now.” “I don’t have to spin the would have, could have, should have thoughts. I know I did the best that I could at the time.” “I am sad that my loved one is never going to come back, but my life is going pretty good right now.” “I can always feel the spiritual presence of my deceased loved one. I just have to open that door.” “I am no longer being hurt by my abusive relative. I am safe and I help others find their safety.”

• Go to a grief support group or individual therapy to deal with loss.
• Exercise regularly because moving your body has been proven to improve mood.
• Create your own support groups to regularly discuss your losses and grief.
• Time does heal and using that time to promote your healing will help.
• As you face grief, the immediate in your face intensity will move to the background over time.
• Remember that grief doesn’t end, it evolves as you grow older and wiser.

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