You may find this blog to pertain to you or others in your life. You may find the beginning to be harsh and judgmental, but please stick with it because it does offer healthy solutions. I have compassion for all those who identify as victims and want to be a catalyst for positive change.

You are playing the victim card when:

You blame all your troubles on others.

You are immersed in ongoing conflicts that are never resolved.

You are captivated by drama.

You feel that no one comes through for you.

You expect others to be there for you 24/7.

You feel like you are there for others, but your friends say otherwise.

Your friendships have a short shelf life and it is always their fault the relationships end.

Your partnerships always end in disaster and you never are at fault.

You are skilled at knowing how to hurt others through your words and you don’t hesitate to do so.

You feel stuck in your career and station in life and blame it all on others.

How you got stuck playing the victim card:

You were physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused when you were a child.

When you had conflicts with teachers or other students, your parent(s) would regularly assign blame to others and not hold you accountable.

You were taught that to take responsibility for your problems resulted in be physically brutalized.

Your immediate reaction to being confronted on anything is to lie to escape punishment.

You get triggered when you feel friends/lovers are pulling away from you

Your triggers cause you to defend yourself out of fear that they will abandon you.

Your childhood trauma makes it difficult to look deep inside without alarms going off.

The abuse you suffered causes you to develop unhealthy coping skills such as blaming others.

How to Stop Playing the Victim Card:

Be Willing to look at the possibility that you have a role in your conflicts

Learn through individual psychotherapy that playing the victim card comes from childhood trauma.

Learn how to identify your triggers and find strategies to deal with them.

Learn to face the emotional pain that is triggered by trauma.

The following is a composite case study.

Mona, age 38 had a history of playing the victim card. She believed that others were preventing her from meeting her goals. She also believed others were sabotaging her relationships. She could never keep friends or lovers. Drama and upheaval marked all her close personal connections. Much of her conversation was spent talking about how a friend stabbed her in the back or her boss didn’t recognize her accomplishments.

One day after a series of this pattern, she decided that it was time to find a new approach to dealing with her social and work life. She was tired of the same old-same old pattern that resulted in a massive turnover of significant people in her life.

She had never been in therapy before and was hesitant to become dependent on another for this deep personal investigation. One of her current friends gave her the name of female therapist. Mona went online and made an appointment.

The first appointment was awkward and painful. Mona began the session providing the playing the victim card scenario which the therapist quickly confronted. She asked Mona what role she had in the destruction of these relationships. At first, she said, “None”. The therapist was silent for a while Mona started to cry from a deep part of herself. Her gut wrenching cries were surprising to her.

Mona acknowledged that she may have had a role in these broken relationships. She talked about her abusive childhood and soon she began connecting the dots.

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