Many of the mothers I speak with tell me they are concerned about pressuring their children to do more homework in order to get the best grades so they can get into the best colleges.  This causes a lot of stress in the household.  Moms tell me that they are worried about their children’s future in very intense ways.  I was talking to Linda recently.  She has two teenagers. Her daughter is seventeen and a senior in high school.  Her son is fifteen and a sophomore.   She feels that competition for the best colleges is out of hand.  Kids need to have over 4.0 GPA’s, play sports, be on the debate team, play a musical instrument and be student leaders. Linda wonders if she is pushing her kids over the edge and if all this pressure is worth the outcome. She has read about “Suicide Clusters” of teens that have taken place at Gunn School in Palo Alto,  California.  She fears that she and her husband may push their children to this point, but is too ashamed of these thoughts to share them with other parents and school officials.

I asked Linda what she wanted most for her children.  She told me that being successful academically so they could get excellent jobs when they graduated college.  She was worried that without the degree from the five-star university, her children wouldn’t make enough money to support themselves.  She feared that they may have to live with her and her husband when they are adults. A one-bedroom apartment in San Francisco is close to $4000.00 per month.

I said to Linda that I certainly had compassion for her anguish.  She began to cry and said that she felt pressure as well; that she would be judged negatively by the other parents if she didn’t push her children hard enough.  She shared that it was embarrassing and shameful to admit that she was highly motivated by what others in her community thought about her. She compared her world to a tank full of piranhas without escape. She said that she feels the pressure internally and externally.  It is always present and Linda feels that she has loss sense of what is really important.

I then asked her what did she think was really essential for her family.  Linda said that she wanted all her family members to be happy and this pressurized lifestyle is preventing them from discovering any joy.  Now everyday was fraught with demands to excel. She feels helpless as she watches her children go through the motions as she micromanages their daily activities.  There is no time for a walk in the woods or a casual conversation. The power switch is always on.  There is never any respite.

She thought some more and determined that it was OK if her son ended up going to a small college and living in a town that was affordable.  As long as he is happy and he makes good choices.  I said that teaching her kids to make thoughtful choices is a vital parent task.

I then said that there were many downsides to her current micromanagement style.  Her children would be overly dependent on her for setting priorities and organization.  These are important life skills that need to be learned in order to survive. You learn these skills by trial and error.  You also learn to master life skills by making plenty of mistakes until you understand what works best for you.  Your mother hovering over your shoulder will not allow this personal development to flourish.

I asked her what would it take to change her parenting style. Linda realized that she needed to give her kids the space to make their own mistakes and successes as well.  She said that it wasn’t just her parenting style she needed to change, but she needed to question her values.  She needed to have this discussion with her husband and friends.   I suggested that she go to a park on a sunny day and bring paper and pen.  She could write down the question:  What do I want out of life?  What are my goals?  She could also ask her entire family to complete this exercise and then set a time to discuss their findings.  Maybe she will discover that going to the best college is not as important as becoming a self-sufficient, confident, resilient and happy young man or woman.

Dear Readers,

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