I am a psychotherapist who has been in private practice nearly thirty years.  I have worked with many clients who have alcoholic friends.  This following is a composite of their stories.

I have a friend, Jimmy who is an alcoholic.   He is in his mid-thirties and seems to be self-destructing before my eyes.   He exhibits the following behavior:

• Increased drinking.
• Blaming others for his misfortunes and never taking ownership of his problems.
• Increased poor judgement and decisions.
• Weight gain/loss and lack of concern for physical appearance.
• Up all Night-Asleep all day.
• New friends are substance abusers, addicts and others not willing to take responsibility for their lives.
• Decreased empathy for others/selfishness.
• Views his children as an extension of himself and cannot separate his needs from theirs.

I used to deal with his drinking by avoiding talking about the subject.  His consumption of alcohol was the elephant in the room.  Two of my other close friends have drank themselves to death.  I could stay silent no more.  I took the following steps:

• I told him he was an alcoholic and that I was afraid for him.
• I told him that I would support every recovery effort he committed himself to.
• I told him that I loved him and it broke my heart to witness his self-destruction.
• I shared my observations of his dysfunctional behavior.
• I told him that I didn’t want him to gradually kill himself.
• I told him that I could not continue my friendship with him if he continues to drink or use any other substance.
• I told him I would go to AA with him.

He heard me out and then got off my couch.  He then said that I was never his friend in the first place and slammed the front door of my apartment on the way out.  I tried to prepare myself for this meeting, but his reaction made me cry.  I felt powerless to help him and in the following days I thought about how I could handle my overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger.

• There is no joy about confronting an alcoholic so there is no point in expecting a ray of sunshine to enter here.
• It is better to deal with his alcoholism head on because the folks he hangs around with will only collude and enable him.
• It is better to confront him than to avoid the uncomfortable, destructive elephant in the room.
• You are not responsible for your friend’s recovery; only he is.
• Addicts and Alcoholics need to hit their bottom in order to begin a recovery process.
• Alcoholics develop a sense of entitlement such as believing that they don’t have to have a job.
• Alcoholics greatest defense against accepting their addiction is denial and only they can break through that.
• Alcoholics tend to hang out with other alcoholics and other people who are oblivious or are in denial about the alcoholic’s drinking in order to validate their distorted thinking process.
• Your alcoholic friend may feel attacked and vilified when you confront him about his heavy drinking. Try to impart this information in the most compassionate, loving way, but don’t expect him to agree with your assessment. Most likely he will be angry and be in a state of disbelief.
• You may feel inclined to talk to him again about his drinking because he is avoiding you. Don’t give into that temptation.  You have delivered the message.  Now it is all up to him.
• Alcoholics attempt to numb their emotional pain and trauma experiences through drinking. They will never be able to face and work through their emotional pain if they continue drinking.

I may have been the only person in Jimmy’s life who was honest with him about drinking.  Maybe he will embrace my words one day, but I can’t obsess about this possibility. I have to let him go right now.

When I found myself obsessing or thinking about the alcoholic, or neglecting my own self-care because I was worried about his fate, I attended a meeting of Al-Anon, the sister program of AA, and a safe place to go when someone else’s drinking is bothering you.

At Al-Anon, they told me about the Three Cs and reminded me, I didn’t Cause the alcoholic’s drinking, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure his disease of alcoholism. The only thing I can control in this situation is my own behavior.

Please share your experiences  below  or https://www.facebook.com/HealingEmotionalPain   Thanks!!!

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