I recently turned sixty-five years old and am aware of my six plus decades’ existence on this planet.  Harry Truman was president when I was born and my parents drove a 1951 Ford with a wooden dash board.  I have had several losses during my time here that have been disruptive, numbing, sad and lengthy.  My father died suddenly when I was fifteen.  A little girl who my wife and I took care of was taken away by her aunt because of a dispute around parenting methods. She was my child without the blood relative option. My mother died when I was much older and I almost died because the electrical system in my heart ceased to work.

These losses caused me to believe:

“Life is telling me that I don’t deserve happiness because of all the grief I have suffered.”

“I feel like the pain from all the losses has accumulated in my stomach and back.  I am weighed down by the burden of these deep wounds and I will never recover.”

“I am afraid to get too close to anyone because they could leave me at any second.”

“There is no such thing as recovery from grief.”

“The losses have created post-traumatic stress which cause me to live in fear all the time.”

“The losses have exacerbated my fear of being left all by myself.  My fear of abandonment is at all-time high.”

I held on to these beliefs for years until I learned to directly face my pain and sorrow.

I now believe:

“Therapy is a slow process, but ultimately I have learned to feel better about myself.”

“I had difficulty recovering from loss because I was afraid to face what actually happened.”

“I realize that a huge part of the grief process is understanding how unaware I was of blocking out feelings and to now allow awareness to be in full bloom.”

“The pain of the loss won’t destroy me.”

“The pain of the loss will cause me to cry intensely which will allow me to release the angst one bit at a time.”

“I can release the pain in my body by exercising vigorously and by stretching.”

“Life is too short to avoid deep feelings of love, connection and excitement”

“I am willing to take the risk to become emotionally close with all those I care about.”

“I am willing to be vulnerable with my wife and let her know when I am overwhelmed.”

“I know that spinning the fears around is not the same as actually working through the grief.”

“I know that I can recover from any loss that I have had.”

“Recovery does not mean forgetting; that’s amnesia and I don’t desire memory loss.”

“I have learned that fear is only a temporary state that eventually passes naturally and moves along faster by refusing to give it power.”

“I can find a peaceful place in my heart for every loss that I have experienced and this will let the sunshine in.”

I know that grief is part of life just like death is and that pushing that reality away only damages us.  I  learned that grief will visit me throughout the remainder of my time here.  It will come from additional losses and memories from the past.  I can feel them and allow them to visit, but they don’t have to live with me full time.  I have too much beauty in my life and there is no room or time for dwelling needlessly.

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