We all experience losses in our lives.  Our loved ones die, we have break ups with partners and we fall out with friends.

If you find yourself intensely pondering any of these events a year or more after they occurred, it may be because you keep hoping for a different outcome from the loss that traumatized you.

My father died almost fifty years ago.  The song “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” by Jimmy Ruffin came out during that time in 1966.  This has been the top of my life’s sound track ever since.  I would listen to this tune while I was running and it triggered painful memories and feelings about his death.  I would uncomfortably ponder his incomplete life.  He never found the optimal job and I believed that he was disappointed in me.

At the end of the song I would always have this empty feeling until recently.  I had a new revelation.  I asked myself why I felt so hollow and unsettled.  I heard a voice deep inside say, “I keep wanting a different outcome when the song ends.  My desire to bring dad back to life is so powerful, but up to this moment, I have had no awareness of this need. Yes, I wanted my father to be alive and longed for the opportunity to connect and love him. At that moment it hit me that this will never happen.  He will never come back to me because he is dead.  I cried until my guts hurt and I was sad, but relieved knowing that I could finally let go of this excruciating ritual.

When I hear this song now, I feel sad but I no longer get swallowed up in the spin cycle of regret. The memories of his awful funeral and the state of unbelievable loneliness fade to the background.  I cry, but I no longer have a sense of incompleteness.  He will never come back to me and I will continue to grieve this reality and this grief, strange as it may seem, feels good.  I have let go of drowning in a sea of cold, murky water.  I now see fall colored leaves dropping off the trees changing to summer days and sunshine.

Another example is a woman whose marriage ended two years ago.  Sometimes when she receives her ex’s nasty voice mails, she focuses on his life way more than necessary.  She knows that this obsession is unhealthy but didn’t understand why she kept getting caught up thinking about him.  She wonders what lies he has told her lately and dwells on how cruelly he treated her during their marriage.

One day after spinning thoughts about wondering how he could be so awful to her after all the love she gave him, she realized that she hadn’t been in love with him for a long time.  She asked herself why she continued to obsess about him.  She started crying and realized that this ritual was repeated because she wanted a different outcome; she longed for her ex to love her tenderly.  She looked at the truth for maybe the first time and knew that she would never get the warmth she needed from him.  It was over, she didn’t have to focus on what wasn’t anymore.

How to know if you are seeking a different outcome:

• If you keep spinning a story of regret- what you could have done differently, what you didn’t do enough of a year or more after your loss.
• If you are totally unaware of why you continue to dwell on your loss in this manner.
• If your friend’s eyes glaze up while repeating this stuck story because they are tired of it and don’t really know how to help you.
• If you start out hoping that you will feel better after obsessing about your loss, then actually feel empty, unfulfilled and confused during and after this process.

How to let go of wanting a different, happier outcome:

• Come to the understanding that you are stuck and having great difficulty letting go of this loss.
• Ask yourself why you keep putting yourself through this self-abusive process.
• Take a courageous step and ask yourself what you really wanted from the person you obsess about regularly.
• Journal about your feelings about wanting a different outcome and think about how you can accept what actually happened
• Create a ceremony where you authentically say goodbye to this person (without them being there)
• Go to individual therapy or a support group for assistance.

Dear Readers, I love your comments and feedback.  Please post below or on  https://www.facebook.com/HealingEmotionalPain 

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