My mother died ten years ago of heart failure.  The last time I saw her was in a Pennsylvania hospital.  The florescent light along with the antiseptic smells was exacerbating my anxiety.  I knew my mom was dying as I hugged and kissed her goodbye.

I got word about a week later that she was dead.  We were at a resort in Northern California.  It was cold and cloudy, just like today. Right after her death, I was always freezing and my body temperature would never warm up.  My skin felt like raw meat and my heart was an open sore that couldn’t be healed.  I felt like my soul was continually exposed to a downed power line and I was endlessly being electrocuted.

I didn’t know if my condition would ever improve.  I immersed myself in my work and tried to focus on other people’s problems.  This technique worked up to a point.  My wife, Gail was very comforting to me, but I felt lost and alone much of the time

The quiet fear that triggered a startled waking up response visited regularly at three am. I felt like I couldn’t function.  I didn’t realize that I was going through a normal grief process.  When my father died when I was fifteen years old, I went into a shell and stayed in a numb state for almost three decades.   Survival skills kicked in and I learned to cope by not allowing myself to feel.

Now I embrace grief and welcome all the experiences that come along with it.  One of the ways I deal with emotional pain is by running, listening to music and focusing on how I feel.  This morning as I listening to Roseanne Cash’s I was Watching you, I cried deeply while thinking about my mother’s death.  I felt this deep sense of sadness in my stomach that traveled up my body through my neck and the tears flowed while mixing with the sweat.

I felt empowered by my tears because I could actually FEEL and no longer was I pushing emotions away.  The tears are a recognition of the liberation I now experience.  They are also a way of honoring my mother’s life and death without needing words to express my loss, grief, love and gratitude.

I am no longer afraid of the pain that will come after feeling hurt and abandoned.  I understand that emotional pain is an essential element of life.  It will not kill me and scar my heart forever.  Eventually the heart heals.

I also recognize that I wouldn’t have this terrific understanding if I wasn’t willing to face my traumas and look them in the eye.  I learned to be patient with myself and not become overwhelmed when I couldn’t find immediate solutions to my angst.

I learned that everyone grieves differently and that there are no exact stages of grief.  I think we do share common grief experiences that appear at different times and different ways.  They are:  remorse, regret, sadness, worry, confusion, disbelief, heartbreak, clarity, sense of when things are improving, ups and downs, isolation, forgiveness, hopelessness and joy.

Connecting with others who share the grief experience (almost everyone) is inspiring. I love being aware that every moment is important and how fast time flys by.  I know now freedom is realized when you accept that life includes suffering and happiness.  I always wanted to be free and now I truly am.

Dear Readers, I love your comments and feedback.  Please post below or on  https://www.facebook.com/HealingEmotionalPain 

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