You met Jeff and have followed his powerful emotional journey in Part One, Two and Three in this series.

Hi this is Jeff and I want to share what I have learned about healing the fear-rage-despair-abandonment cycle.

First of all you have to admit to yourself that you have a problem. This is the most important step. The anger that you blast at your wife is not caused by an infraction she has committed. No, it comes from you overreacting to situations and blaming others instead of holding yourself responsible. The rage you display when she doesn’t provide the exact answer you want to hear is not her fault. It’s your need to have her to be able to read your mind; an impossible task. Facing that your instant rage comes from you and not anyone else is a huge wake up call.  If you are accountable for your actions, you are moving in the right direction. At this point it is ok to not know what is causing the anger-stay with the feelings of accepting that this is your problem. If you don’t find tools to deal with this anger, you have a good chance of pushing away those who you cherish the most.

The second step is to make a commitment to yourself that you are going to change this reactive/rage behavior now. You going to stop giving this issue lip service and treating it like it is easy to master when it is extremely difficult. You will start this process immediately. You will treat this like a work project that if done well will result in a raise in pay and responsibility.   You want to laser focus on what you say and do. You want to treat this issue like it is the most important in your life because it is. You want to remind yourself every hour if not more often that making this change is necessary and will make you a better person. You can tell yourself that through this process you will learn to be calmer and your partner will no longer have that scared look on her face when she notices that you are ramping up your angst because your angst will cease to escalate in these situations.

The third step is to develop a part of you that observes your behavior and moods. This is a part that you want to be activated twenty-four hours a day. It takes practice but you can do it. This is called being self-aware. Now that you have made a commitment to stop the acting out rage, you can now learn to plan how you are going to act when you are in certain situations. You can walk into a room with your loved one and ask yourself, “What is going on here?” For example I have learned that I am exhausted after work and more than likely that would be a time where I would lose my composure and start to unfairly/loudly criticize my wife’s lack of buying the right food for dinner or not having the right music on the stereo, or some other ridiculous issue to start a fight about.

Instead of going down that road, I have this part of me observing my mood and behavior. I am watching myself as well as my wife and the dynamics between us. I notice that at the moment where I would usually go off, I can mentally slow things down while telling myself that I have a choice here, I can yell or I can say nothing. I can choose to let it all pass because all that I am irritated about is really not about her. It is about me and my exhaustion from work. The irritation will vanish if I don’t give it any power. Instead of exploding, I tell Julia how sad and angry I am because of an interaction I had with a student today. In some cases I will actually ask for a hug. I have now been through this process a few times and I have discovered that it works!

The forth step is understanding what is underneath all the rage. I have come to understand that anger is not the first emotion that comes in these situations; hurt is. I also have learned that the hurt is actually fear that I am going to be abandoned.

I discovered that the first emotion that comes right before you raise your voice and make disparaging comments is hurt and pain. You feel that your loved one is about to leave you and the rage is triggered by feelings of the fear of being abandoned.

It is tough to face that you are suffering from the fear of being left alone, but I have come to understand that men who batter women and say, “I hit her because she made me mad” really mean “I hit her because I was afraid she would leave me.”

I have never hit Julia, but I have said things to her that I am ashamed of. I have accused her of not being there for me and blamed for my shortcomings. I am working hard to change this, but am aware that one more out of control episode may cause Julia to leave. Some men may feel that this is unfair, but I feel that I am very fortunate that she is still standing by me.

Understanding that underneath all the rage, despair and confusion lies the fear of being abandoned is key and there is nothing to be ashamed about admitting this.  Perhaps humans fear being left alone more than anything else.

The fifth step is to allow yourself to experience all the feelings that come forth when you feel hurt. When you feel the hurt, instead of raging at your loved one, tell her that you are going for a walk. Both of you can have a prearranged agreement and you will take a time out if you are about to say something you will regret.

While going for a walk, notice what you are feeling. Are you afraid your loved one is going to leave you? What does that feel like? Where do you feel this pain in your body? You can tell yourself that you are strong enough to tolerate these feelings and you need to experience them in order to understand why you get hurt-feel abandoned and then become angry. Do you feel loss? Do you feel confused? Do you have memories of being abandoned by others as an adult or child? Do you feel angry? Do you feel like you are a bad person? Are you afraid that if people really get to know you, they will hate you and leave forever? Does this exercise bring up memories of being abused as a child?   Stay with all these feelings as long as you can. You will eventually learn that these feelings cannot hurt you; that they will help you grow stronger and wiser.

The sixth step is to ask for help. You can ask your friends and other trusted folks in your life for names of therapists. Again, there is no shame in going down this path. Matter of fact, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to authentically examine your own pain. Please understand that healing will take time and you will never heal if you don’t admit you have a problem and don’t commit to personal change.

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