Hi, my name is Jerry and I am a thirty eight year old man who is divorced. I have two elementary school children.  I have been friends with Loraine who is thirty-five for about five years.  She is also divorced and has a couple of kids as well.  I actually met her in a group for newly separated parents and we became close immediately.  We have never been lovers, just good buddies and we both have talked about how we value our friendship.

We would get together for coffee and talk on the phone a couple times a week about our struggles being divorced parents with children.  We talked about our dreams, experiences and vulnerabilities.

There was a period of time I was really depressed and Loraine was always there for me.  She was kind, positive and never judged me.  I always felt better after talking to her.  I like to think I was as supportive to her when she felt really sad.  We were a very good team helping each other get through some dark moments.

However I noticed that Loraine’s steady demeanor gradually changed.  She began slurring her words on the phone.  Sometimes she smelled like a cheap winery with a rancid odor.  Her patience and kindness fell to the wayside.

Our conversations the last couple of months were all focused on her feelings of hopelessness and bitterness.  I racked my brains for hours trying to come up with words that would ease her troubled soul, but I was met with anger and dismissal.

One Friday night she called me totally freaked out.  She was screaming incoherently and I stopped everything I was doing. I quickly drove to her apartment.  She was obviously drinking and very inebriated.  I noticed blood coming out from a cut on her wrist.   She threw her arms around me and began crying.

I took out my phone and called 911.  I had no idea what was going on, but I was frightened for her and thought she was trying to kill herself.  The police and paramedics arrived and took her to the hospital.  She was committed to the psychiatric ward for three days.

When she came home, I called her and inquired to how she was doing.  We went out for lunch and I told her how worried I was about her.  I asked what she was going to do in order to deal with her drinking problem.  She said that she was going to start attending AA meetings.  She asked if I would go with her to the first one because she was scared and needed support.  She also said that I was the only friend she had.  I had a lump in my throat right then.  I really do care so much about Loraine.  She is like family to me and I really love her.

The AA meeting was tomorrow after work and we were going to meet at her place first.  I knocked on her door and she answered the door with a big sloppy smile on her face.  She didn’t even try to hide that she was drinking.  Empty wine bottles were strewn on the floor and there was some white powder on her dining room table.   I was so taken back because I really didn’t expect her to resume drinking so soon after being hospitalized.  I was angry at what she was doing to herself and felt powerless to do anything about it.

I told her I was leaving and did so without uttering another word.

I kept asking myself, “What should I do now?” “How can I help Loraine?”  I suddenly realized how exhausted I was from trying to lift her spirits.  I was now listless and tearful.  I wondered if it was now time to put myself first.  All the energy I was putting in to boosting Loraine’s spirits took away from being present with my children and my job.

Loraine called me a couple of days later and I agreed to meet with her in a coffee shop.  She was there when I showed up.  She appeared to be sober.  I just started right in and said, “Loraine, I have decided not to have any contact with you until you are clean and sober for a while.  I think that I have been enabling you to continue abusing substances. What was that white powder the other night?”  She asked, “What white powder?”  I was astounded at that response.  I then told her that it was time to put myself first here.

She went on a tirade.  She screamed, “How can you leave me in my greatest time of need?  I was always there for you, you bastard.  You are just like all the other men I know; selfish and undependable.”

I felt my heart breaking as a combination of guilt, rage and intense sadness ran through my body.  I got out of my chair and left.

Stay tuned for Part Two of this story……………..

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