I was running my usual five miles while listening to Bruce Springsteen live. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling despondent and highly agitated.  Just observing how selfish people are pushed me over the edge. A car almost ran me over in the cross walk and there was no apology, just me throwing up the middle digit. Why is everyone in such a hurry?  Why such a rush to nowhere?

I was celebrating the sixth year anniversary of the installation of my heart pacemaker.  I was supposed to be elated, not down in the dumps, hopeless. But, I couldn’t seem to move out of this dismal space no matter how much I fought against this sense of uselessness and rage.  I wanted to spit on all those loud talking fools in the restaurant. The cigarette smokers who light up in my presence need to have the tobacco shoved down their throats. All those terrible drivers on the freeway need to get slapped until they drive no more. When I bear witness to adults not taking care of their children’s mental health, I want to scream.

My pacemaker gave me a new lease on life. I’m really not supposed to be here. Only a miracle kept me from dying and going to wherever is next. Since I was blessed with a second chance in life, I wanted to repay this gift by healing suffering in the world.  I have always held this value, but now I believed if I didn’t accomplish this goal, I was inadequate and a failure.  I expected my new life to have a greater impact on alleviating emotional pain. I was wrong.  I was supposed to be able to change the self-centeredness of the country’s citizenry. I was supposed to teach them to share and think of others first.  I have been unsuccessful and I feel guilty because I don’t believe I am working hard enough to change the world. I am ashamed and angry at myself. I feel awful and stuck once again.

Up to this moment I was unaware of how much pressure I was putting on myself.  I didn’t realize that I had made it my official calling to stop inconsideration, selfishness and clueless people from taking over the universe. It is too late for that fight, they already rule.

I take a deep breath and let the sun’s ray’s fall upon my face.  The sweat from running soaks through my shirt.  I suddenly realize that I must find a way to emotionally step away from the role of desperately longing for all the world’s suffering to end.  My rationale mind knows that ridding the world of selfishness and hatred is impossible.  My heart breaks absorbing the truth of how much viciousness exists.

I have been spending too much time in this really ugly place.  The landscape of this spot is barren.  It doesn’t have a sun or moon.  It is a colorless, odorless, suffocating corner of the universe.  Problems don’t get solved here.  Conflicts become infected wounds whose sores never heal.

You can never do the right thing here; the evil overpowers and self-doubt is off the hook.  Connecting with anyone is impossible here and the best you can do is hunker down and try not to become another broken human.

Darlene Love’s version of Lean on me is playing through the headphones.  The ugly location has no space for empathy or the compassion of this song.  I am now running away from malaise and self-hatred.  I am running towards a land that is not well defined at the moment, but I know that Darlene Love’s voice and Bill Wither’s words are bringing a smile to my face.

“Sometimes in our lives we all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know there’s always tomorrow”

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