Many of us have had experiences that victimize us. You could have been a victim of rape, physical assault, racial discrimination, sexism, homophobia, ageism, disability discrimination, religious discrimination and other forms of hatred.  Someone very close to you could have died suddenly.  You could be going through a horrid divorce.

Our immediate coping mechanisms to these traumas are varied.  We may become enraged and take out all our anger on those closest to us.  We may withdraw from the world and lose contact with our support system.  We may go into a state of denial and refuse to face the trauma. We may minimize what took place and then discount our true feelings about the event. We may blame ourselves for being hurt by another. We may compartmentalize the trauma in a room inside our brains; never to open the door unless it is absolutely necessary.

The immediate responses to these traumas are normal.  The traumas themselves can be extremely painful.  Our coping skills are designed to decrease this anguish. Many folks benefit from individual and/or group therapy in order to work through the trauma.  The therapy goals are to lower the anxiety/depression, raise self-confidence, understand what triggers the fear reaction and learn to find joy.

After a considerable period of time passes, some of us have difficulty moving out of our victimization. When this happens we tend to blame our trauma for not meeting personal goals or staying stuck in an agonizing emotional state.

Examples of this phenomena are:  the man whose father died when he was a teenager complaining he can never have a close relationship because of that loss, the woman who was battered by her husband five years ago stating that the only way to cope with this pain is to drink whiskey all day long-every day, the man who keeps getting fired blames It on having an emotionally unavailable mother, the woman who says she has no friends because her abusive father had no friends and the man who says he will never have a long term relationship because his parents got divorced.

All of these explanations for this dysfunctional behavior are justifiable shortly after the trauma, but if the same excuses are being used years later, they have become rationalizations to thwart change.

No matter how diligent you are in facing your demons; thoughts and memories of the awful stuff that happened to you will emerge. If you decide to face this trauma, you will learn how to deal with these thoughts and memories in ways that will allow you to function on a high level.

It will be helpful for you to assess when you are using your trauma as a scapegoat; a reason not to challenge yourself to possibly live a more rewarding life. You can ask yourself how am I using my trauma as an excuse, why am I doing this and what am I afraid will happen if I change course.

Ann is 35 years old. Her mother was a prescription drug addict who neglected and physically abused her. Her mother beat her with a belt for no reason when she wasn’t unconscious from the pills.  Ann held on to a story line that she was not capable of having a healthy relationship with a partner because she was emotionally damaged by her mother.

She wouldn’t entertain a date or any meeting that lead to getting to know the person better. Therefore she was alone much of the time. She had gone to therapy before, but always quit because she didn’t feel like she was benefitting from talking with a stranger once a week.

One day after relentlessly pondering her fate, she decided to take a hard look at her life. She avoided relationships, but why?  She took a deep breath and allowed the words to pour in, “I am afraid that someone will hurt me. I’m afraid someone will promise me the world and then he will leave.  I’m afraid that I will begin to love someone and then out of nowhere, he will start to beat on me”.

At this precise moment, Ann decides to dramatically alter her choices.

She starts crying tears that come up from her gut and spill out her eyes.   She vows to say yes to the man from the next office who asked her out.  She also promises herself that she would give therapy another try.

A familiar song came on the radio and she sings along with Diane Reeves lyrics:

“I am an endangered species But I sing no victim’s song I am a woman I am an artist And I know where my voice belongs”
[magicactionbox id=”857″]