Stuck grief is experienced by many of us after we have experienced a loss.  This loss could be the death of a loved one, the breakup with a partner, being fired from a job or other trauma.

The symptoms of stuck grief are:  Feeling like you are not making any progress in your mourning process after a year of more after the loss, Feeling numb and Experiencing an absence of joy or deep sadness, You cry often, but your tears bring little or no relief, You visit your loved one’s cemetery plot daily or weekly, You are not sure if you want to give up this feeling of immobilization because it has become so comfortable and familiar,  You are fearful of making any steps that you believe would help you let go of the pain, The pain of the loss is no longer a searing wound, it is now a dull ached that you carry all the time, You feel like a dark cloud is perpetually hanging over your head, You either over or under eat, you sleep too much or too little, you are not interested in much of anything and probably have signs of depression and/or anxiety. Your therapy sessions consist of telling stories about your lost loved one over and over again to the point where you notice your therapist eyes glazing over. An example of a stuck grief story is when think or say something like, “He was the only person I ever loved.  I can’t think of a life without him.”  But the deep sadness you are hoping for doesn’t emerge, only a sense that your story is unfinished. This is because at this moment you are not actually grieving, you are protecting yourself against really feeling the pain of your loss by telling this same story over and over again.  In my opinion, in order to move on from stuck grief you need to feel the depth of your anguish.  However, please don’t beat up on yourself, this stuck grief thing is very common and it is tough to change a pattern when you are not aware of how/why it is dysfunctional.

Sometimes you overtly make a choice not to seek out new relationships, hobbies, jobs or other changes.  You can find others who have this same mindset and you can commiserate how empty and meaningless your lives are.

OR

You can find the courage to take the first step to change your life. You can decide that it is time to move on and figure out what the terms moving on and letting go means to you.  This is no small task and will take commitment, a willingness to experience pain, bravery and an understanding that your journey will be a rollercoaster ride, not a straight shot like driving on a Kansas freeway.

Steps you can take to breakthrough stuck grief:

1. Set up a regular exercise program that you complete almost every day. It doesn’t have to be exhausting and it should be an activity that you enjoy. Studies have shown that exercise improves mood as well as medication without the nasty side effects.  Walking is a very good workout; start out slow and just walk around the block if you are new to exercising.  Slowly increase your distance and pace.
2. Listen to music often. Hearing music that triggers intense feelings about your loss will allow you to work through your stuck grief.   Listening to music is also a healthy distraction from fixating on your repetitive stories that never bring solace or relief.
3. Learn to differentiate between tears of release and tears of frustration. The tears of release will come from the heart and you may feel the pain resonating from your gut.  The tears of frustration will come from spinning the same stories in your mind with no actual resolution; just emptiness and confusion.
4. Decide to stop spinning these frustrating stories. When you notice that you are beginning to return to the familiar endless stories, tell yourself to stop and think about a pleasant scene such as a sunset.
5. Join a Grief Support Group for folks who are facing and working through their grief.
6. Go to an individual grief therapist in order to let go of your stuck grief.
7. Do something that is completely outside your comfort zone like changing jobs or taking a class in a subject you have an interest in, but were fearful of doing so previously.
8. Read user-friendly, jargon free books like Letting go of Grief: Move your Body with Rock and Soul to learn how to face your pain.