Frank, age fifty decides to have an honest conversation with his eighteen year old daughter Eileen. He has had minimal contact with her for about five years, but really wants to have a relationship with her

He feels that now she is an adult, he can share a barebones, raw account about his long time history of violence.

Frank: “Eileen, I want to share stuff with you today; a part of me that is ugly, selfish, impulsive, dishonest and very difficult to talk about. I know you have witnessed my violence over the years. I’m sure my cruel words and physical assaulting your mom has had a profound affect on you. I have been too ashamed to talk about it with you. Most of the time I blamed others for my outbursts and walked around in a state of wounded rage.

My fists have hurt your mother so badly that she had to go to the hospital seven times. When I think about the times my violence has discolored her face and made it impossible for her to walk, I shudder with shame and disbelief.

But, the purpose of this talk isn’t to manipulate you into feeling sorry for me. I don’t deserve your empathy, pity or respect. I have been an asshole of the highest degree and it is my time to atone for my crimes against humanity.

At times the police would come to the house and throw me in jail for a couple days. I knew your mom was dependent on me because I worked and could pay for all the essentials. Your mother’s job as a teacher could never make ends meet. I rubbed that dependence in your mother’s face like an old, mildewed dishrag. I was so despicable. I told her that she would be homeless without me. If you tell someone that they are worthless enough times, they tend to believe the worst about themselves.

So she would tell the police that she hurt herself because she ran into a wall by mistake or clumsily fell down the stairs. The police and court system would not press charges because they didn’t have your mom to corroborate the truth of the matter.

There were two occasions where I had to participate in a yearlong domestic violence program mandated by courts. I was beating up your mom while I was attending these sessions. I really needed someone to hold me accountable at that time, but if I informed the teacher of the class that I had reoffended, they would terminate me from the class and I would possibly be incarcerated. So, I kept the violence I was perpetrating to myself.

I used to believe that it was so manly to keep my woman in line. Now I know that me hitting a woman is an act of cowardice and nothing to be celebrated. You see Eileen, men are allowed, even encouraged to display anger-we see it in all these violent movies. We are taught from the time we are born that men are supposed to dominate women and control their entire environment. If this model gets threatened, then I can become unglued and strike out verbally and physically.

One rainy day five years ago, I came home to discover that you and she had left. All of her belongings were gone. Your clothes closet was empty. There was no letter telling me why she left or where she went. I went out of my mind. I felt so totally alone and I was scared to death, but I was not brave enough to admit that to anyone or even myself.

I started driving to all her friend’s homes and harassed her parents daily for a month. Nobody would tell me where you were. I sensed that they knew where you were, but she didn’t inform anyone of her exact location because she knew I would come looking for her. She didn’t want to put her friends or family in the middle of this situation.

I drank like crazy and I started using meth. My job was in jeopardy and I was a train roaring off the track. So one day I looked in the phone book for names of therapists. I made an appointment and thank goodness he and I connected right away.

I have been on a recovery journey ever since. I haven’t been violent or used any substances for four years.  I still love your mother very much and I hope she will be open to seeing me some day, but I totally understand why she doesn’t. I have a lot of support from my anti-violence group, close friends and some family.

You see Eileen, a man is not supposed to abuse his lover. He is supposed to support and cherish her. He is to help her dreams come true. His role is to not control and harass her. I didn’t really know this.   Anytime your mom showed any kind of independence, I became terrified. My fear was that if she became independent, she wouldn’t need me anymore and then I would be all alone. This hurt would come before the anger and in a millisecond I would smash her in the face.   I will never live this down. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I cannot forgive myself because there is a thin line between truly forgiving myself and merely letting myself off the hook. You know, sweeping the whole thing under the carpet.

I now understand that family violence originated in my childhood. My father used to batter my mother and my father used to hit me with a belt or anything else within reach while he was drunk.   I am telling you this not to make excuses for my behavior. I am responsible for my actions and it is my job to end this cycle of violence.

I can’t say that I will never be physically abusive again. I will say that I am committed to not laying my hands on anyone and will do all that I can to keep that pledge in the forefront of my brain.

Eileen: “Dad, I am so happy you have shared this with me today, but I am not ready to let you into my heart at this moment. Although you never physically hurt me, you ignored me. I was never sure how you felt about me. I am so reluctant to have any close relationships because the one you and mom modeled was so awful.   I think I am better off on my own.   I am willing to meet with you and talk again, but you have to be patient and have zero expectations of me. I want you to know that because of you, I never had a real childhood. I never felt safe or loved by you. I am very guarded and I don’t know what it will take to let my walls down or if I even want to.”

Frank: “I don’t have the right to ask anything of you.  I am trying to live a different life; thinking first of what you need rather than what is best for me in any particular moment.  I always thought of myself first and foremost.  It took me a long time to understand that my need to cover up all the pain inside was my first and only goal.  Now I know that covering up pain will not allow for healing. This way of being makes it impossible to authentically connect with anyone.   Eileen, I want to respond to what you are saying here and I am not expecting any response. I love you very much and I am so sorry that I destroyed your childhood and made you mistrustful of everyone.  I will do whatever I can to help you feel safe.  I know I cannot make up for the past, but I can be here for you now.”

Eileen tears up, shakes her head affirmatively, touches her dad on the arm and walks out the door.

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