We need a New Treatment Program for Men who commit Domestic Violence

News about domestic violence fills our airwaves, television screens and internet sites. Several players from the National Football League have been charged with battering their partners. Let’s explore what we as a society can do to prevent domestic violence.

First of all if a women is injured or killed by a man, it is not her fault that this happened. She does not play a “role” in instigating the violence. There is no excuse for a man to pummel a woman; so let’s not have any more press conferences with women apologizing for their “role” in getting punched in the face and unceremoniously dragged out of an elevator.

There is a tremendous need for a therapeutic group for men who batter women physically and/or emotionally. I am a psychotherapist and have been in private practice twenty-seven years. I have worked with batterers individually and in groups. The options for them now are jail or court mandated fifty-two week groups. Some folks need to be in jail because they are so dangerous to others. Others who are incarcerated will not learn how to deal with their internal wounds that caused them to strike out. They will be more damaged after they leave prison and more likely to reoffend. The court mandated groups teach the participants how to echo the jargon the group leaders want to hear. The other downside is that if they reoffend, they are kicked out of the group. I propose to form a group that is voluntary, confidential and on a sliding scale basis so no one will be turned away because of lack of funds. Contrary to what we are being shown on the mainstream news, batterers come from all ethnic and economic backgrounds. Many professionals would not give the group idea I propose here much of a chance of having any members. After all, they would say, these folks have impossible to treat mental health disorders like narcissism or borderline personality. They are assessed as sociopaths. They traditionally shun treatment. But, I say we have to try to do something. I believe that the first emotion batterers experience immediately before committing domestic violence is not rage. It is fear; the fear that they will be abandoned and this fear quickly turns into anger. Until batterers can feel their own pain and be accountable for their actions, they will continue to injure and murder women.

Men feel encouraged by our society to express anger, but not sadness. They feel that any display of sadness is a sign of weakness. Weakness is simply not allowed. It can’t be talked about except by dissing another man. Men can never admit that they have any weaknesses. Men feel that they have the inherent right to control everyone around them; especially women. This belief system fuels men’s basic insecurity and worry that they are not going to measure up. Their fear of being shamed is high. This fear of being shamed gets repressed by men’s denial of being allowed to be vulnerable.

Men feel that they have the right to have power and control over women minds and bodies. This sense of entitlement allows for the purposeful loss of impulse control that leads to men beating up women.

This all creates a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment. The cycle of violence begins to kick in gear when men are feeling disrespected. They may feel disrespected if their partner has a different view point than theirs, if they want to have sex and their partner doesn’t, if their partner demonstrates more independence than the man can tolerate. They can feel disrespected if their partner prepares a meal that didn’t anticipate. Men beat up women when their expectations are not met and often times their expectations are totally unrealistic. For instance the need for the man to feel that his partner is always emotionally there for him; that she is totally tuned in to his needs one hundred percent of the time. This isn’t possible for anyone to deliver.

Men can be vicious with their words and ugly words can destroy a woman’s self-esteem and confidence. Hurtful words can cause long lasting damage and are an underrated form of abuse. Women develop strategies for avoiding men’s hateful words by anticipating when this spewing may occur. They may purposely hold back their authentic feelings out of the fear of being verbally assaulted. This creates fear, tension and a repressive relationship for women.

I don’t believe that there is any research that points to the effectiveness of court mandated domestic violence groups for men. These groups reinforce the men’s inability to be accountable for their actions. The men are asked only to show up for the class and have a minimal level of participation. This participation will usually be reciting from the text exactly the way it is written. The men quickly learn how to play this game and it fits in with their deceptive and dishonest ways. During breaks in class the men share how they have outwitted the instructor and lots of laughter takes place.

Perhaps the most egregious aspect of these groups is that if a man reoffends and is caught by law enforcement, he is terminated from the group. This causes the men to downplay or not disclose the current violence they are inflicting, I believe the recidivism rate of male batterers is high and this policy does not make any sense at all. It would be necessary to incarcerate if the person had a clear history of being assaultive or murderous.

I believe that the policy of mandating men to fifty-two week batterers groups needs to be eliminated basically because these groups are ineffective. We can develop programs that are voluntary, affordable, confidential and long term. In many cases men will need ongoing support the rest of their lives. I think a model that adopts some of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA’s) program will be helpful. It would be beneficial for men to have a sponsor, someone to call when they feel that they feel they are going to lose control and physically hurt someone.

Men will not be thrown out of the voluntary group if they do reoffend. Honesty will be encouraged and the understanding that the recovery from being a domestic abuser is a long, arduous journey. This path will not be smooth sailing.

Fees for the groups will be on a sliding scale basis. Therapists who run these groups will be aware that they are doing so to give back to the community, not as a means to make money. It would be best it there was one male and one female facilitator running each group. The group leaders then could model appropriate communication. The men will also receive honest feedback from a women about how they come across.

One of the important issues to deal with in the group is self-awareness. The men need to recognize when the potential for violence is building. Most men are under the impression that “She pissed me off and then I hit her.” They are not in touch with the agitation that may have been building for weeks. They push away body sensations that are cues that violence may occur at any minute and disaster may happen soon if the course isn’t changed. In other words, the mindset that delivers a punch to the woman’s stomach has been incubating for a much longer time than men realize.

The group will also focus on defining the meaning of disrespect. Many men have their radar continually on, searching for the disrespect vibe. They are on guard for it 24/7 and often times they feel disrespected if someone looks at them the wrong way. Why do men need to have respect from others? Does respect mean never disagreeing with them? Does it mean that his opinion automatically trumps hers?

The group will help the members develop critical thinking skills so they can learn to appropriately question long held dysfunctional beliefs such as: Men have to control every situation. Men are failures if they make less money than their female partners. Men have to intimate in order to succeed.

The group will also focus on male identity questions. Does a real man cry or express feelings of inadequacy? Does a real man beat up his partner? What does self-respect truly mean? What does empathy mean? What does it mean to really feel your own pain and why is it important? Where did the men learn the use of violence? Were they abused as kids?

The group won’t have a text or workbook to follow. This will prevent rote memorization and feeding back what the members think the facilitators want to hear. The group will have topics to discuss which they will create with the assistance of the facilitator. The group will be responsible for writing their own book for discussion that comes from the class.

In order for men to attend a voluntary male batterer group, a massive education campaign needs to take place. Each community needs a strategy that will reach the men in their neighborhoods. The overall message needs to be that real men admit they have abused women and real men get assistance in order to become better men. It would help if community leaders could speak out about domestic violence and the need for men to get involved in stopping the cycle of abuse.

There is also no pathway in American society for males who batter to find redemption from the world they live in. Their communities, families and partners often avoid them. They are viewed as pariahs whose notoriety is widespread. They are seen as violent monsters whose image can never change.

This really needs to change because it is a huge stumbling block in dealing with male perpetrators of domestic violence. If these men feel that they will never be forgiven for their crimes against humanity, high motivation and enthusiasm for change will not be present.

We have to find a way to acknowledge the intense work men have gone through. We have to find it in our hearts to forgive them and honor them for the time they have been non-violent. We can also celebrate when these men devote time to helping other men who have been batterers.

Letting Go of Grief: Move your Body to Rock and Soul will teach you to work through your emotional pain.

Comments (6)

Russell Kennard
September 22, 6:21 am Reply
Hi Bob,
I’m an initiate of MKP, the Mankind Project, which is an international men’s group open to all men. Amongst other things, I work with men who are involved in this men’s-group.
MKP flourishes throughout the U.S. and provides self-acceptance and acceptance by peers, in a supportive structured environment that focuses upon personal accountability, and how we live in the world.
It is a great mechanism of inclusion, support, regardless of your personal challenges,and checking where you’re at.
- authorbob
  September 22, 4:15 pm Reply
  Do you work with Male Batterers? If so, what is your success rate in preventing recidivism? Thanks
Sharon Kman
September 22, 9:30 pm Reply
What a great idea for a new way to treat a problem we are clearly failing to address. Frankly, I believe professional football players could use a socialization group from the time the NFL enlists them. Too often these young men get too much money and power at too young of an age to handle all the attention…It seems like the NFL could afford to organize men’s groups to work on a preventive level. Meanwhile a genial 12 step type group for groups is an excellent idea.
- Stephanie
  November 12, 11:11 pm Reply
  Costs associated with puilbc sector monitoring are excessive and costly to taxpayers. In addition, the Sheriff’s Office is currently employing RF (Radio Frequency) units which are totally antequated and inefficient. Due to budgetary restraints, the RF units, which cost approximately $3 per day, only indicate if a defendant is at home or away. The JSO has an overhead of approximately $200K to cover the costs of the monitors, as well as, the defendants and generally is not able to break even. There is a local company here in Jacksonville, Global Monitoring 904-358-3220, which offers state of the art GPS equipment and is capable of not only tracking the individuals but can also establish what is known as inclusion zones, exclusion zones and employs a combination of GPS and cell phone technology. Although the cost per day averages about $12 with Global Monitoring, JSO charges $15 per day with lower quality equipment.Global Monitoring is totally offender funded and as a general rule, most offenders are greatful for the opportunity to get out of jail. Many of the monitors are paid for by friends or family members in an effort to allow the offender an opportunity to continue working during the pendency of the proceeding, as well as, to defend themselves during the court procedures. Defendants who remain in custody are costing the tax payer more than $60 per day according the most recent budget calculations. Officer expense and costs drive monitoring overheads to new highs of tax payer gouging. As is typical in most cases, the private sector is much more cost effective and efficient in providing quality supervision and monitoring of defendants particularly when monitors are combined with bail bonds there is arrest authority on the part of the bondsman that will supplement and compliment supervisory requirements of all defendants including domestic violence offenders.
Joy Verbeck
September 22, 11:59 pm Reply
Dear Mr. Livingston,
I agree wholeheartedly with the title of your article; but only the title. We definitely” Need a New Treatment Program for Men Who Commit Domestic Violence. I live in Southern California, and have been working in the field of domestic violence for men and women under the State of California Domestic Abuse Law PC Section 1203.097 for the past 18 years. One thing I have come to learn is that a “batterer, male or female, needs a mandated path by which to reach treatment.
Our own program which is under the certification and approved by our local probation department and the courts has made many changes in the treatment program, philosophically as well as content. Our staff do not believe that because a client was mandated into our program by the courts, that we become the “punishing agent.” We are NOT the consequence for the bad behavior; each man or woman has suffered their own consequences based upon their behaviors and the court has meted out the true punishment for the deeds.
Action Consultants/Therapy believes that there is no “them” in the program. Our clients are human beings who have made some very bad choices in their lives. In many cases they have perpetrated only what they know. Action Consultants, and most likely all of the programs providing mandated services under PC1203.097 have made many changes away from the original treatment model The “Duluth Treatment Model” of Minnesota. We continue to move toward a more humanistic and emphatic mode, and with the understanding that the individual must take responsibility and become accountable for the violence and admit to the criminality of the act as well as the viciousousness of the treatment of another human being.
It is true that , the individuals come into the program through the court system, jails and prisons carrying much shame and guilt. We believe that the client does need to have opportunities to explore what real men are; that they cry, make mistakes, and pray.
All of the therapists providing services to the individuals referred from the justice system have attended the required 40 hour Domestic Law Curriculum beyond their Masters Degrees. Each group facilitator/therapist have a multitude of resources and modes of group interaction activities far beyond the reading and/or memorization of “the prescribed lesson plan.” Each group develops their own treatment as the needs become apparent. As a matter of fact one of your publications is utilized by our facilitators as one of their many and varied resources.
What the community programs need, as you mentioned,is more lay-person marketing to their neighbors, work associates and all the community in which each person is involved Since all of the programs are on a sliding scale, no Domestic Violence therapist earns enough money to survive without other employment. However, as you said, the therapists who choose to work in this field are caring and aware
that the compensation for their work is the satisfaction of knowing their clients are graduating from the program with new non-abusive relationship skills and attitudes. .
- authorbob
  September 23, 12:09 am Reply
  Dear Joy Verbeck,
  My last name ends with an e not n. What is the success rate of your program? How many of your group members reoffend? You say in the beginning of your post that you only agree with the title of my piece but nothing else. I am confused because then you go on to say you agree with several aspects of what I wrote. One point that I am trying to get across is that the mandated groups don’t have research that indicates any effectiveness and that we need to look at the whole issue of domestic violence differently. What can we do as a society to encourage men to seek help rather than force them into a program?

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