A helicopter parent is a father or mother who rarely allows their children to go unsupervised. These parents believe that their children are at risk of something horrible happening to them unless an adult is watching at all times. These parents also believe that their children are incapable of completing the most basic task without immediate adult involvement.

Parents driving their kids to school, surrounding them at every sporting event, supervising “play dates” and hovering over them while they are doing their homework has become American as apple pie. The Atlantic Monthly published a recent provocative article titled Overprotected Kids. The author of the piece was shocked to discover that her children did not participate in any activity when they weren’t supervised by adults.

This overprotection is unhealthy for children in many ways that I outlined in a 2007 article titled The Parent-Media Connection-Overplaying Fear: How it Hurts Children. They don’t learn to develop a sense of being adventurous and become risk adverse. They come to believe that any feeling that brings about the slightest discomfort, is one to avoid at all costs. The Velcro parenting approach teaches kids that they live in an unsafe world and they need to be alert for catastrophe all the time.

Parents have learned from cable TV and other media looking for high ratings that their children are at total risk of being captured by evil perpetrators. This belief permeates suburban enclaves even though the possibility of getting kidnapped by a stranger is less than getting struck by lightning. The belief that we have to closely watch our children doesn’t pass the statistical scrutiny test. Less than 200 children yearly are abducted by strangers. Most children who are missing are runaways from families plagued with domestic violence or are stolen by a non-custodial parent.

Helicopter parents are motivated by intense fear instilled by the media. They may question this rigid routine, but are fearful of being judged by other parents. One parent asked me what did I thought would happen if she let her eight year old go to the burrito shop up the street unsupervised. I thought that the reaction from other adults would range from absolute horror to the immediate need to call the police. In any case, this mom’s parenting would be called into question, so she feels locked in to following this unwritten mandate even though she knows it is essentially unhealthy for her child.

Parents feeling that they must be involved in every facet of their child’s life is a supreme boundary violation that prevents children from growing up. This parental mindset is born out of the need that their kids have to be perfect or nearly so in order to be accepted into the nation’s top colleges. These parents also believe that being rejected by these universities means their children have no chance at success. In this process, they merge their own needs with their kids and cannot tell who is who. The adults seem to have lost track of what the top priorities for their children should be: Happiness and Independence. These qualities that are not being passed down from parents to children in modern times.

It is not uncommon for parents to be triggered when they sense discomfort in their children. It is like a warning sign that movement from normal indifference to agitation, fear or opposition is a signal for the helicopter parent to turn on the device’s engine and increase propeller speed. It seems parents believe that allowing their children to process negative emotions by talking about them is too much work or too threatening to the ultimate goal of Harvard or Stanford. Therefore they force their kids to repress their feelings with the misguided desire to stop the problem in its tracks instead of giving their children problem solving tools.

Helicopter Parenting has the following negative effects:

Children do not learn to play with other children and therefore never learn the art of negotiation.

This corralling of kids leads them to spend more time at home indoors leading to a sedentary lifestyle.

Spending more time indoors leads to increased use of electronics such as video games and texting.

The belief that parents must protect their children from any discomfort leads to them having no tolerance for ambiguity.

This same belief teaches children that failure, a normal and growth producing feature of life, is not acceptable to experience.

Children are taught to believe that they are incapable of making any decisions and must defer to parents at all times.

Children are not taught how to explore nature or even their neighborhood on their own. Therefore they cannot differentiate what is dangerous and what isn’t. Their parents have taught them that being separated from adults in any conditions isn’t safe.

It is time to end the helicopter parent syndrome. Here are some steps you can take:

Become aware of the mental health disorders- anxiety and depression you may be instilling in your children by creating excessive dependence upon you.

It will take a powerful national movement to transform the helicopter parent into one that nurtures, sets appropriate limits and teaches independence by freeing your child from this prison you have established.

Find the courage(and it will take extreme bravery because you are going against the grain) to talk with other parents about the need for a major lifestyle change.

Start in your surrounding area by reaching out to neighbors.  Talk about the goals you have for your children and how the helicopter approach prevents them from happening.

Share your fears, hopes and dreams with your neighbors in an effort to build a trusting community where you can find support.

Organize your neighbors into meeting with local elected and school officials for the purpose of promoting policy that will enhance your children’s happiness and independence.

Here is where you can learn to face your own emotional pain.