As a therapist in private practice, I often hear clients dismay and confusion about what criteria to use in selecting a partner.

Some folks have an attitude that no one can be trusted to meet their needs.  Therefore they either get in relationships with those they lack chemistry with or else they avoid intimacy altogether.  These individuals usually try to play it safe because they fear that any risks in life are wrought with upheaval.  They may also have had previous relationships where they have been betrayed and their hurt has not been healed.

Then there is the other extreme where men and women feel desperate for a relationship.  They may have been alone for a long time and feel that time is passing them by.  They may experience extreme discomfort when they are alone. They often end up with a partner that they are not compatible with. These relationships are often rushed where the partners move in together shortly after first meeting. These relationships are often filled with drama; at times are emotionally and physically abusive.  These folks often focus on what they can do to be desired by their partner rather than looking at whether they are getting their needs met.

Those in both of these groups often have unresolved issues from their childhood that have led them to feel unlovable, undeserving, and not able to trust others or their own judgment.  These issues are contributing factors in not having confidence in choosing a partner.

If you are passionate about the power of soul music to reach deep inside, you probably will not connect with a man who loves Justin Bieber.  The point here is that the most important aspect of a relationship is the level of connection you have with another.  If you love politics, you probably won’t find much in common with someone who isn’t aware that we have a Black president.  If you are a strong believer in exercise, most likely you won’t find an intense bond with a couch potato.  If you believe that issues of race are important, you probably won’t get along with someone who doesn’t. If you find that you are not compatible with someone, it does not indicate you have a character flaw.  It just means that she has different interests than yours.

Now it is not uncommon for those in mismatched relationships to try to sway the other partner towards their passion.  Lots of energy is expended towards making this change happen.  It can never occur if the partner is clear about not being interested in exploring your passion.  However, it is a different story if he makes a commitment to learn about your love of this issue.

If you have little in common with your partner, it is unlikely that your relationship will be fulfilling.   Some couples stay together despite the lack of common interests because they are familiar with the other person’s habits and the thought of leaving seems like too much trouble.  Of course when children are involved, this lack of connection becomes really complicated because their needs hopefully are taken into consideration.

When you are ready to enter into a serious relationship, please consider the following:

• You don’t have to settle for just anyone.
• If your partner is physically violent and/or attacks your character, gather your support network for an exit strategy.
• You deserve a loving, compassionate partner.
• If you don’t have common interests with this person, realize that the chance of this relationship being successful is very remote.
• Connecting deeply with someone on an intellectual, emotional and spiritual level is possible and one of the most loving experiences one can have.
• It is important to be physically attracted to your partner.
• If you find yourself spending lots of time and effort trying to change your partner, perhaps he or she is not Mr. or Ms. Right.
• If you or your partner avoids conflict, consider going to couples counseling to understand what the avoidance is about.
• If your relationship is filled with unresolved conflict and drama, think about what you are getting out of this turmoil.
• A strong, healthy loving, long-term relationship does include conflicts and ways to peacefully resolve them.
• A nurturing relationship does have its moments of trials and tribulations where the union is under tremendous pressure.  There are times of not so smooth sailing.  Every relationship has its ups and downs. The resiliency of that closeness will be tested.  Have faith that together you can not only get through the tough times, but thrive afterwards.

  Learn how to work through your intimacy issues.