I was in the beginning of my five mile run and was listening to Lou Reed’s Heroin. This may be the most honest and stark description of drug use ever recorded. The speed of the song starts slowly then hits an intense crescendo with jangling guitars; this haunting pattern is repeated throughout the song. I was wondering what caused so many people to escape their reality by taking potentially lethal substances.

Drugs and alcohol act like a sledge hammer to the part of the brain that is triggered by worry and dread. It deadens that part and is filled with an artificial warm feeling inside that you don’t think is possible to attain when straight.

What are we all trying so desperately to hide from? Some folks abuse substances because they are homeless and are seeking out respite from the streets. Some people have a propensity towards addiction. Others have issues that began in childhood and continue unabated.

Those who have been abused and neglected in childhood suffer from low self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, a feeling that impending doom will strike any moment, difficult with primary relationships, the inability to really resolve any problem and the ongoing belief that you are never safe.

We don’t learn to love others unconditionally because we didn’t experience this from our parents when we were kids. Therefore when we hear the popular refrain that we need to love ourselves in order to be happy, we cringe with bitterness because we have no idea what this means and we are too ashamed to ask anyone for help.

I am now running uphill and feel that sweat drenching my body. It was cold and foggy the last couple days, but not today. It is sunny, bright and that brings a state of hope and optimism. Lou Reed’s spooky voice with the profound lyrics floats through my headphones.

I think about what it means to be unconditionally loved and I remember receiving the opposite of that. It seemed that my parents were waiting for me to produce a remarkable accomplishment before they would shower their love on me with smiles, hugs and acknowledgement. I kept waiting for that to occur and it never happened.

There are times in the present when I long for the world to smile down on me. At that moment the eight year old child inside doesn’t understand that the whole world will never meet this impossible desire. Not everyone I meet will like or admire me. Some folks will ignore my presence and others will go out of their way to make me feel miserable.

The seeking for unconditional love from my parents and not receiving it led me to focus on how others felt about me rather than how I felt about myself. Many of my years as a youth and adult were spent assessing those I looked up to. I desperately wanted their approval. I would study their facial expressions and body language while I was trying to demonstrate some semblance of critical thought and intelligence.

I don’t remember ever getting what I was looking for. There is no certainty knowing how folks really feel about you by gazing into their eyes or wondering if their shoulder stretching was a sign of impatience with you or if they had muscle tightness.

The lack of a love bonding connection with parents leads us to continually look to others for acceptance while we don’t learn how to look inside ourselves for comfort, safety and solace.

Thinking about my parents triggered other memories. These memories are connected with negative school experiences I had as a child.

I was thinking about how well I was doing in my psychotherapy practice and I realized that I put lots of pressure on myself to perform at an extremely high level because I worry that I’m in over my head.  Someone who wasn’t supposed to go to college, according to my high school guidance counselor had no business working with top notch professionals in the field.

I reflected on my work as a writer and no one whose fifth grade teacher said he was the dumbest kid she ever taught should be getting praise from reviewers and readers.

This school abuse is devastating and leads me to feel that any success earned will be taken away. There are intermittent thoughts that I am playing in a league that I am not qualified for and any moment this truth will be discovered.  Then I will be kicked out of the club for eternity.

The song Heroin has finished and Let’s Groove by Earth Wind and Fire’s horn section kicks in. This song is all about enjoying the moment and celebrating the present. I ask myself, “What can I do to heal from the school abuse?”

The chorus of the song blends with the hitting of my feet on the concrete.  I feel the power of the endorphins kicking in my brain and flows throughout my body.  This natural high that everyone talks about is right here, right now.

The response to this question comes like a gift from the heavens: “Look inside yourself, feel the love and compassion you have for all those you try to help.  Give yourself some love and compassion.  You know those teachers and other adults who said you were deficient, less than and stupid were wrong.  You are smart and definitely wiser than they were.”

Tears come to my eyes as I experience this reality for the first time.

As Let’s Groove hits its peak, I continue, “I am strong and I make mistakes like everyone else and I forgive myself for believing that I had to be perfect.  I accept that I have flaws and I am a good guy despite that.”

As Etta James Sunday Kind of Love begins I am running at a fast pace for anyone, much less a 62 year old man.  I now honor how difficult it had been for me to deal with the self-doubt that came from the school abuse.  I realize I am in the midst of sanctity; celebrating all that transpired during that time and its effect on my body, mind and soul.  The music and the running combined with determination to find my true story is all encompassing and I have reached higher ground.

I remember when we were visiting Chicago, home of Chess Records and Etta James’s label.  At dusk I looked downtown from our hotel room.  The lights of the city glowed inside and outside of me.  I pondered my bright future and at the moment, everything stood still and warmth radiated to my heart.

Find out how to ask questions like a therapist would ask right here.