Rejection can be the most painful, disheartening, soul crushing experience we can have. It is also a universal daily occurrence that we can never really prepare for. A long term relationship abruptly ends without warning. It is shattering to be blindsided in this manner and it effects how you relate to others you are close to. You may become guarded and notice that you are keeping your distance from friends and lovers. Your heart seems to have hardened and you walk with your head down.

You may decide to end a relationship because you feel that your lover is deceitful and dishonest. Even though you have made the move to sever ties, the feeling of loss and abandonment is never far away from your gut.

We all have our rejection stories, here are some of mine:

My wife and I never had our own children because I was fearful that I would be a mean dad like my father was. When I was mentally ready to have children, I felt that I was too old to adequately care for them because I would not have the physical energy for kids as they and I grew older.
We did take care of a little girl by helping her aunt out who was raising her. We took her on vacations and she spent the weekends with us for several years. She had the best sense of humor and when I looked into her eyes, it felt like she was indeed my daughter.

Then one day, out of the blue, her aunt decided that the little girl could no longer spend any time with us. I was devastated and I would walk the streets seeing kids playing and tears would erupt from the pit of my stomach until they flowed down my face.

I felt this way for a long time and I still am hesitant to get close to children for the fear that they will suddenly leave. However, no matter how much this rejection experience impacts me, I still feel so much joy around my friend’s kids. I marvel at the way their minds work and the interesting comments that flow out of their mouths. Their sense of humor never fails to lift my spirits and I treasure them in spite of my fear that the ground will crumble and I will be left alone.

Sometimes I think I am overly sensitive and should get a thicker skin, but I have no clue as to how to accomplish this and no real desire to become numb to human interaction either.

I had a close friend for about five years and we had much in common. We had similar political views and we connected on the injustice of what happens to poor people in this country. We had a conflict about how to treat people who abused the good will of others. We were unable to see eye to eye on this issue and the relationship sadly ended.

I ended up feeling used and taken advantage of. I felt like a fool for ever trusting her and how could I have not seen the red flags that forecasted this ending.

Whenever I am in a physician’s office and I feel that they are more interested in getting through the appointment than my wellbeing; I feel rejected and abandoned; a one-two punch that leaves me reeling for hours if not days. This triggers a memory of more than four years ago when the hospital staff sent me home rather than dealing with my life threatening emergency.

I remember teaching a healing emotional pain class in the San Francisco County Jail. The last few times I taught the class, I would leave with a hollow, hopeless feeling in my chest because I felt that all the administrators, legislators or any others in power were purposely turning their backs on these incarcerated women. I felt that the women prisoners were the most neglected people on earth and that nobody cared about them and therefore no one cared about the work I was doing inside. I felt rejected and sentenced to a life where compassion doesn’t exist and empathy is a pipe dream
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All these rejection experiences always take me back to my childhood and adolescence memoires where I first discovered this kind of emotional pain. The teachers and counselors who told me that I was stupid, losing a game single handedly in Little League and my team mates giving me the silent treatment, my parents looking at me with disappointment and disgust in their eyes.

I was powerless then to respond to this abuse and neglect. I had no idea what recourse to take and that certainly is not the case today. I can face rejection and fight my way through it.

I make a point of facing my fears and disjointing life experiences. This inevitably causes me to hurt inside, feel sad, angry, disillusioned, confused and eventually resolved.

When you lose a friend because of an unresolved conflict, there comes a point when you realize that you have done all you can do to repair the damage. Once you are at peace with that knowledge, you can move on and nurture the close relationships you have and think about developing new ones.

I can tell the doctor that I don’t like being pushed through the maze of the medical system and demand to be treated with respect and dignity. I can join with others who are experiencing similar insensitivity and fight back with a huge voice.

I can find systems and people to collaborate with who honor my healing work instead of withdrawing and isolating.

We all lose folks along the way whether it occur by breakup of a relationship or death of a loved one. Eventually these losses fade more into the background, but they never totally go away and sometimes the memories come up and are extremely painful, but they do return to background noise. This is an important life lesson.

When I am struggling, I put on my running gear and head out the door, listen to music and be grateful for all that I have learned and all the wisdom that is yet to unfold.

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