Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi was recently reinstated by a vote of the Board of Supervisors after being removed from office by Mayor Ed Lee. This is an issue that has profoundly divided the citizens of this city. One argument is that he did commit domestic violence in bruising his wife’s arm and should be permanently removed from office. Another position is that this crime did not fit the criteria for official misconduct for elected officials in San Francisco; therefore he should remain in office.

No matter what position one takes on the justness of reinstating him, Mr. Mirkarimi has an opportunity to place the spotlight on domestic violence and transcend what no politician before him has attempted or accomplished.

I am a psychotherapist with considerable experience working with domestic violence victims and perpetrators. I have also taught Healing Emotional Pain Classes to incarcerated men and women in the San Francisco Jails.

Sheriff Mirkarimi, there are millions that suffer from domestic violence each year; you can take the following courageous steps to decrease that number:
• Take whatever opportunity you have to speak about the complex issue of domestic violence.
• Speak to community groups as well as the incarcerated men and women you are in charge of about the cycle of violence. A large percentage of those incarcerated have a history of family violence. Talk about the reasons for family violence and how to end it.
• Continue to advocate for increased mental health services as a preventative measure and as integral programs in the county jail system.
• Talk about how the pervasiveness of men battering women and how domestic violence is an issue of men needing to take an unhealthy amount of power and control away from women. Discuss the cultural, political and personal reasons for this.
• Have a dialogue about what happens before a man punches a woman in the face. What men usually say is the first emotion they feel is anger. This is not accurate. No, the first feeling that occurs before the battering is emotional hurt. Men feel disrespected and fear that their partner will abandon them. The hurt comes and is quickly followed by rage and then a body blow. Gently inform men that they need to deal with their own abandonment issues and find healthy techniques to face fear in order to stop the violence.
• Tell men that you have learned to take responsibility for your behavior and they need to do the same if they really want to change.
• Inform men that it is not unusual to minimize, rationalize and deny their violent actions. You realize it is important to be honest with yourself and others about domestic violence.
• Tell the men that it is important to learn how to be empathetic. The anguish that they have caused their loved one by physically harming her is long lasting, painful and life altering. They need to put themselves in their loved one’s shoes and imagine what it was like to be battered by you. You as the batterer need to feel her pain and think about what she has to live with daily.
• Share how you have asked for forgiveness from those you have hurt by your violence.
• Inform the men that asking and receiving real forgiveness is an important part of healing yourself and those you have victimized. Real forgiveness takes time and is difficult process. It isn’t like flipping a light switch and suddenly you are forgiven.
• Talk about how many batterers and all victims of domestic violence suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD); that this disorder affects judgment, concentration and ability to function. If PTSD is not treated, the cycle of violence will most likely continue: hence the need for increased mental health services.
• Talk about how willing men need to be to face your own demons and that they need to treat ending domestic violence like it is the most important part of their lives because it is the most important part of their lives.
• Share that it is not easy to talk about any of this material in a personal manner, but you are doing so because you sincerely want to use your position as sheriff and the recent controversy as a special healing moment for the world.