Many of us are survivors of one or more of the following types of abuse as children and/or adults: physical battering, rape, domestic violence, emotional terrorism/mental cruelty and extreme neglect. These forms of abuse leave us frightened, confused, moody, and mistrusting others. They also cause us to push away pain in dysfunctional ways and create difficulty with intimate relationships.

The journey to recover from being emotionally and physically traumatized can be a long process that has many ups and downs before you feel a sense of peace and safety. Everyone heals differently so the following guide for recovery can be utilized as a guide only-not an ironclad edict that this is the only way to true recovery:
• Being aware that you are not happy; you have difficulty developing and keeping relationships. You have not experienced this joy that your friends talk about. You now have motivation to delve into the reasons you feel so despondent.
• You come to understand that many of your interpersonal problems are due to abuse you suffered at some earlier point in your life.
• You join an abuse survivors group, buy self-help books and begin working with a psychotherapist.
• You feel the anger, sadness, shame, and continue to connect the dots between your abuse and your current behavior.
• You start making significant changes in your life such as terminating relationships with
all those who are abusive.

At this juncture in your recovery, you are wondering if confronting your abuser will be helpful in your recovery. Confronting your abuser could be helpful if the conditions are right for this meeting. However, there are times when confrontation cannot or should not occur.

Those times are:
• If the abuser is dead or incapacitated to the point where they cannot participate in such an intense and elaborate discussion.
• If the abuser is physically weak or infirm. You probably don’t want to have a memory of overpowering a person who really cannot defend himself.
• If the abuser is beginning to lose his memory and/or has some short term memory loss. Most likely you may not want to remember bullying him.
• If the abuser is dangerous to be around; where your physical safety is at risk.
• If the abuser is toxic and will use his words to hurt you; when your emotional safety is at risk.
• If the abuser will never validate your experience of the trauma he inflicted.

So then the question becomes can you recover from abuse without confronting your abuser? I believe the answer is yes and can be done in the following ways:
1. You can ask yourself an emotional pain question about the abuse such as, “What would I like to say to the abuser if he was here right now?” You can journal your answer to this question.
2. You can utilize Sandtray Therapy; a therapy modality where you place figures in a small sand box and create a scene. You could create a scene about the abuser and have a dialogue between the abuser and the abused figures.
3. While exercising, you could focus on the abuser. You could bring up painful memories and allow the feelings to arise. When you are exercising, your brain chemistry changes bring about an increase in courage which allows you to face the hurt in a way you may not be able to do if you are sedentary.

You can “face” your abuser even if he is not present. In all of the above, you can have make believe conversations with your abuser. Having these conversations does not mean that you are delusional; it provides you with a safe and effective way or connecting with this person who inflicted so much harm. These conversations can lead to your recovery.